Author: Lostiawen

E-mail: Lostiawen

Rated: NC-17

Pairing: EB/OB

Summary: What happened after Festule got into Eric´s room. 

Archive: VOLA, Mirromere, my site.  All others please ask.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Crack!lite, so AU it´s ridiculous, total misuse of super powers for smutty purposes, hero jokes, toilet humor, mpreg (*cringes*) Almost no editing.  (Hey, at least I spellchecked it.)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

XXXenophile is owned by Phil Foglio. The author does not own, and is not making a profit off of the characters' depiction here.

Author´s Notes: Sorry, I've really been smoking the crack pipe now.  My muses insisted on the offbeat humor, and all I can say about the mpreg is...trust me on this one. I am, however, offering up smut to placate everyone.

And the bit with the plant-based delegation was lifted from Phil Foglio´s wonderful erotica series, "XXXenophile. "

Posted Sept.  8, 2007

Sean was sitting down to enjoy his meal when he heard a loud roar from Eric´s room. The roar was followed by the sound of wood exploding outward. 

"Shite! Red alert!"  Sean flipped his mask back on and surrounded himself with a field of electrical energy before he dashed towards the noise. 

Unfortunately, Eric was barrelling right towards him, and there was no room for Sean to escape. Sean gritted his teeth and dove between Eric´s legs, narrowing escaping being trampled. 

Sean was about to move forward when he heard Eric yelling out, "For Christ´s sake, *don´t* go back there unless you want your lungs to turn to soup." 

"Huh? What? Why?" 

"I fucking think we´re being invaded by some sort of alien from a planet with a toxic atmosphere! Jesus, my eyes are still stinging from breathing that stuff, and it´s eating through the walls of my room!" 

Karl had arrived by this point, and Sean said, "Karl! Get me an analysis on the atmosphere in Eric´s room, stat!" 

Karl gazed down the corridor and Sean could see the faceplate of his personal body armor glowing as it surveyed the hallway. 

Karl said, "Uh, Sean...you´re not going to believe this, but my sensors are having trouble analyzing it. The one thing they are picking up is a trace of plastic residue." 

Sean blinked, "But it´s a gas, yeah? You´ve got the best scientific gadgetry around, the only time you couldn´t do shite was when..." Realization dawned on him and he punched the intercom. "ORLANDO! GET YOUR SKINNY ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!" 

"Orli?? *He´s* responsible??"  Eric growled. 

Sean saw Eric´s teeth gritting and he knew that he´d have to act fast, or else Orlando would probably get knocked through several walls. He started channeling all of his power into his arms, causing them to glow a bright white. The smell of ozone permeated the air. 

"And you will just park your large arse right there until I get to the bottom of this. Don´t make me empty everything I´ve got into you, Eric, you know you´re not tough enough to handle it."  Just to prove his point, Sean let several small bolts crackle around his body. 

Eric grumbled but relaxed somewhat, and Sean let out the breath he had been holding. He doubted that Eric could really do anything to Orlando, but their headquarters were expensive, and he really didn´t feel like having to hit Karl up for funds to repair the extensive property damage they were likely to inflict. 

A swirling field of energy was forming at Sean´s feet, and then Orlando appeared in front of him, with the most innocent expression ever on his face. 

"Orlando...are you responsible for the Toxic Cloud of Doom coming out of Eric´s room?"  Sean barked. 

"Me?"  Orli said, blinking and looking wide-eyed. "Oi, how in hell could you think that?" 

"Because Karl can´t sift through anything with a strong mystic component, you cunt. That, and the plastic residue gave that familiar of yours away." 

Orlando scuffed his toe and mumbled, "It´s all Eric´s fault. He started it after he kicked me out of bed." 

Eric roared, "*I* started it??? You´re the one who said my dick was tiny! And why can´t you just magic my strength away, Mr. I´m Such a Great Mage?" 

Orlando bristled at the insult. "Because, you pillock, those Titans who give you your power are keeping me from casting a proper spell to do that! God, you´re thick!" 

"Both of you, shut the fuck up!"  Sean yelled. He felt a king-sized headache coming on. "I don´t care when or why you started shagging, but the last thing I need is for you two to bicker about this during a rumble. You´re both busted to diplomatic duty until you cool down." 

"But Sean..." Orlando whinged. 

Sean´s entire body was surrounded by an intense, glowing field of electricity. "Shut it. Not one word out of either of you, or *you´re* going to be cleaning and repairing Eric´s room instead of Karl´s ´bots." 

Orlando made a zipping motion with his mouth and glowered at Eric. Eric glared back with just as much poison. 

Sean slapped his forehead -- sometimes he wondered if it would be easier managing primary schoolers. 

***

Eric sighed as he and Orlando approached the Hy´n´h´rth´l mothership. This new alien race had arrived shortly before Festule gassed Eric´s room, so Sean thought it would be just punishment to make them responsible for welcoming these new visitors. 

Diplomatic duty was always something that Eric hated. It was boring, tedious, and unusually consisted of sitting through endless ceremonies while everyone else was out saving the world. Fortunately, Orlando volunteered to do most of the talking, since his time in other dimensions gave him a leg up on Eric. 

He also did some research and told Eric about the race they were visiting. The Hy´nh´r´th´l were a plant-based lifeform. Although they were a space faring race, they still worshipped the Sl´krn, who supposedly had given them all life. Plants believed to be descended from that great God/Goddess were housed on each ship. 

The door to the airlock was open, and as Orlando glided in, carrying them both, the tips of Eric´s feet brushed against the edges of the opening. He glared at Orlando -- leave it to the twat to carry a grudge against him. At least Sean had talked Orli into leaving Festule behind. 

A bulbous creature with what looked like a mushroom shaped head ejected out some spores and said, "Greetings, I am Kl´m´th."

Eric´s gift allowed him to hear the Kl´m´th´s welcome, but it only worked one way, so it was up to Orlando to do all of the talking. 

Fortunately, Orlando had cast a translation spell before they arrived. He stepped forward and said, "I´m Blaise and this is Titan. We welcome you to Earth." 

Eric muttered, "How come you get top billing?" 

Orlando elbowed Eric and replied, "Shut the fuck up, you cunt." 

"Cunt? So now I don´t even have a dick?" 

Orlando was about to argue, but Kl´m´th said, I´m sorry, I am unfamiliar with your customs and human behavior. Is ´cunt´ part of an extended greeting?

Orli replied, "Uh, yeah. It´s customary for Earthlings to recite bits of poetry in our own language, to show our appreciation for the beauty of our host´s surroundings." 

Eric coughed and said, "Poetry? So now you´re going to rhyme something with ´cunt´?" 

Orli hissed, "Shut it or we´re busted." 

Kl´m´th bowed and replied, "We extend our thanks. Come this way, we have a feast and entertainment prepared."

"And we would be delighted to accept," Orlando said. There was an evil smirk on his face as he said that, which nonplussed Eric. He wondered what in hell he was in for. 

***

Eric received his answer after he sat down at the banquet table. They were seated in a vast hall, with a table that looked like it was built out of some sort of woody material. Chairs had been provided for everyone, with an extra large one for Eric. He wasn´t sure if the stuff covering the floor was made out of plant fibers or not, but it looked and felt like carpet. 

Orlando said that the Hy´n´h´rth´ls started with the main course first because there was a religious ceremony centered around the consumption of it, since the food came directly from a sap that their God/Goddess avatar produced. Then smaller dishes were served, to be eaten during the entertainment. 

Eric was cool with it until what looked like a dish filled with a quivering pile of glowing green goo was placed in front of him. His eyes bugged out of his head when he noticed that after 30 seconds, the jiggling hadn´t settled down...in fact, it looked like it was rippling now. 

He poked his finger at the goo and grimaced when it flexed and reformed into a donut shape. "Ugh. Is this safe?" 

He turned to look at Orlando and was promptly seized by the urge to smack that smug expression off of his face. "Don´t be such a tosser. It could be worse." 

Worse? The stuff had *moved*. How could it be worse? "How´s that?" 

"At least you don´t have to catch the food. There was this one dimension I was in, where the food used to jump out of the plate and run down the table. Make a really nasty squeak when I caught the bugger and noshed on it."  Orlando said casually. 

Eric gagged and glared with murderous intent at Orlando. He was *really* glad that the Hy´n´h´rth´l couldn´t read human expressions, because Orli was being a big pain in the arse. "You still haven´t answered whether or not it´s edible." 

Orlando rolled his eyes. "Like they´d poison the human delegation. *That* would go over so well. Stop whinging and eat it. They only crack out this dish for visiting dignitaries, and you´re supposed to finish it before anyone else can eat." 

"Why don´t you do it?" 

"Custom dictates that the bigger bloke eats first," Orlando said. 

Eric didn´t care what Orlando said, there was no way he was going to stick that stuff into his mouth. It kept moulding into a new shape every time he prodded it. 

The delegation was looking at them curiously, so Orlando made some quick excuses -- saying that Eric had to pay his proper respects in a long and involved ceremony before he ate. 

Time rolled by, and Eric couldn´t bring himself to do anything more than see if the goo would ever stop moving. Beside him, he heard Orlando grumble something about "squeamish wankers" before he muttered something under his breath. 

Orlando´s brows knitted for a few seconds and then he said, "You can stop being such a big girl´s blouse. I´ve just cast a spell to find out how safe that stuff is, and there´s nothing poisonous in it. It´s also perfectly edible by any homo sapiens." 

Even though the prospect didn´t appeal to him, Eric realized that he had to bow the inevitable. He picked up his spoon, determined to do this as quickly as possible. The goo was now rising out of his dish in a vertical column, and he tried to scoop a bit off the top. 

He didn´t have to bother. As soon as he touched his spoon to the tip, some of the goo detached and leaped into the bowl of the utensil. 

"Ugh," he said. He felt like he was going to vomit. 

Orlando was sniggering like mad now, and Eric resisted the urge to bitch slap him. 

"Cool, self-service," Orlando said. He leaned closer and whispered, "You can´t fool the delegation forever. You´re going to have to take a bite eventually." 

Eric sighed and scrunched up his eyes before he put a tiny bit of goo into his mouth. To his surprise, it wasn´t gross at all. Actually, it was quite sweet with a velvety texture. There was just a hint of a floral aftertaste, somewhat like rosewater. "It´s...good." 

Orlando laughed and said, "So stop whinging and eat. I´m starving." 

Eric finished his bowl quickly, and he saw Orli do the same. There was a warm glow in his stomach, and he sat back to watch as the delegation swayed back and forth, making soft humming noises. It was hypnotic, and as he observed them, he felt as if the temperature in the room had risen about ten degrees. His skin was tingling, and he was acutely aware of the closeness of Orli´s body to his own. 

He turned to ask Orlando something, but his next words died before he could voice them. Orli´s smooth cheeks were slightly flushed, and the pink tip of his tongue kept darting out to lick at his upper lip. Eric immediately hardened as images of Orlando´s mouth wrapped around his cock flashed through his mind. He could see that curly head bobbing up and down, see those lips stretched wide over his length. 

While Eric was fantasizing, he noticed that sweat was beading on Orlando´s face. "God, it´s hot in here," Orlando muttered. 

The next moment, Orli grabbed the edges of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. Eric´s eyes raked over Orlando´s torso as he stripped off. He didn´t have a chance to really look at Orlando when they had first gotten naked together, and now that he could get a good eyeful, his cock almost punched a hole through his codpiece. 

That expanse of olive-toned, baby smooth skin was tempting enough, but Orli´s large nipples...unable to control himself any longer, Eric pounced on Orlando, knocking them both to the ground as he latched his mouth onto one of those sensitive peaks. He heard Orlando moan like a cheap, sleazy whore as he suckled, flicking his tongue and nipping until the skin had drawn up into a diamond hard point. 

"Christ!"  Orlando hissed when Eric pulled him closer. 

As he hugged Orlando against his body, Eric noticed that something felt...different. He was using a small bit of his strength, but it felt like he had a loose grip on Orlando. A thought occurred to him, and Eric flexed slightly. 

Nothing happened. No cry of pain from Orlando, no wincing from him. Instead, Orlando whispered an incantation, and they were both naked in the blink of an eye. Lube glistened over the length Eric´s dripping shaft. 

"I don´t know why I´m not in the hospital, and I don´t care," Orlando moaned. He spread his legs wide, and he purred, "All I want is that big, thick cock of yours ramming inside of me." 

Orlando´s throaty words sent a bolt of lust straight to Eric´s groin, and he plunged in immediately, groaning when he found himself surrounding by incredible tightness and heat. He sunk in completely, burying himself to the hilt in one sharp thrust. 

"YES!"  Orlando screamed. He arched up and another jolt shook Eric as Orlando tightened his internal muscles. "More." 

"Slag," Eric grunted before he pulled back and jabbed forward again, tearing another loud cry from Orlando´s lips. Encouraged by Orlando´s reaction, Eric kept plunging in, rolling his hips at the apex of each short, staccato thrust. 

Orlando thrashed in Eric´s arms like a wildcat, his damp chestnut curls flying wildly about his face. His eyes had darkened until they were almost black, and each cry he voiced was thick with lust. He clutched Eric´s arms, muscles taut as he met every fierce stroke with one of his own. 

"Is this what you want?"  Eric growled. "My cock splitting you open? Too bad you can´t see it...your pink hole stretched wide while I bury myself into your sweet arse..."

"Oh God," Orlando said. Sweat was beading on his torso, and it trickled down, making his skin gleam their bodies slapped together. He writhed underneath Eric, his moans spurring Eric on to pound into him harder, faster...

Orli was howled at the top of his lungs, nails scrabbling in the carpet as he met every one of Eric´s thrusts. "Fuck...yes! Yeah, right there!" 

In response to the plea, Eric grabbed Orli´s slender hips and jabbed his prostate, hips pistoning in earnest. 

"You´re just a whore for a big, thick cock, aren´t you?"  he grunted out between thrusts. 

"YES!"  Orlando wailed. "God, you´re so fucking huge! Fuckmefuckmefuckme!" 

His enthusiasm sent Eric into overdrive, and Eric slammed into him so hard that they crashed against one of the delegate´s chairs, causing the alien to look down at them quizzically. 

The delegate asked, "Is everything all right?" 

Eric didn´t ask Orlando to supply an answer. He couldn´t care if universe was collapsing around him. All he wanted to do was bury himself in that tight, hot little hole as many times as possible. He rutted like an animal, pounding into Orlando so hard that they skidded across the carpet even more. 

He was vaguely aware that Orlando was trying to cover for what they were doing, but it was kind of hard while he was getting the stuffing fucked out of him. 

He heard Orlando gasp out, "Don´t worry...oh! We´re...oh, fuck, yes! Right there! Harder! Discussing diplomatic...thingies... Yes! JesusChristjustlikethatyoufuckingstud!" 

Orlando suddenly threw his head back, screaming as he came without even touching his cock. Long, white ropes of liquid arced up and splattered across his chest, dappling over his peaked nipples. The tight hotness around Eric´s shaft clamped down, squeezing him like a vise. 

That was enough to send him over the edge. Eric thrust once, twice and then every muscle in his body stiffened. He roared at the top of his lungs as he came, seeing white light explode around him as he emptied what felt like weeks of release into Orlando´s hole. 

He groaned as Orlando flexed, squeezing every last drop out of him. His skin was hypersensitive now, and even a little puff of air made him tingle all over. What little strength he had left just disappeared, and Eric sagged down, bracing himself on his elbows so that his weight wouldn´t crush Orlando. He was dizzy as hell, but he still managed to lean down and swipe his tongue over the musky fluid coating Orlando´s chest. 

The delegate said, "I assume that your discussion concluded satisfactorily?"  He didn´t seem at all put off by the live, noisy porno show that has just occurred at his feet. 

"Fantastically," Orlando giggled as Eric finished licking him clean. 

Reality came crashing in on Eric and he realized what they had just been doing for the last few minutes. "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!" 

"What´s the matter, luv?"  Orlando asked. 

Eric flushed beet red. "We just *fucked* in front of an entire alien delegation! That´s what´s the matter!" 

"Oh, calm down, you pillock. They´re plant-based. Do you get scandalized when your flowers pollinate each other?" 

Eric´s jaw open and closed. He hadn´t thought of it that way. "Oh." 

"Yeah, oh. Let me see if I can identify what happened."  Orlando whispered something under his breath and a light, greenish glow flared around the goo. 

Orlando´s eyes widened in amazement. "Holy shite...it´s magical!" 

"What?" 

"You remember those plants that they carry as holy relics on board each ship? This goo is made from their sap, and...it looks like it has very special properties." 

That was interesting. He had to hear more. "And that is?" 

Orlando nibbled his lower lip before he said, "It´s like a fertility spell -- it does whatever it can to promote procreation. First it works as an aphrodisiac, and then it sapped your strength to make sure that we could fuck." 

Eric was bewildered. Orlando had tried that very same thing months earlier, and it had fizzled. "How? I thought I couldn´t be affected by strength draining magic?" 

"It probably has something to do with the way that Hy´n´h´rth´l magic works. They probably found a loophole in the spells protecting you."  Orlando paused and looked thoughtful. "Is anyone taking a gander in our direction?" 

Eric reluctantly pulled out, letting out a soft groan as his cock left Orlando´s warmth. He poked his head above the table and saw that none of the delegates had really shifted from their seated positions. "Uh, well... everyone else has eaten this stuff, but they´re just kind of...sitting around." 

Orlando sniggered. "That´s what it looks like to us."  He poked his head up and muttered something. "Yup, they´re having a massive orgy right now. Those spores you see flying around? That´s them pollinating each other." 

"Yup, that´s just the sight to get a man hard," Eric said with sarcasm. 

He noticed that Orlando was eyeing a nearby tray. There was one more dish of goo on it. Orlando ran a tongue over his lips and said, "Mmm, I want to have some more. I felt like my entire body was one big cock while you were shagging me rotten." 

Eric wasn´t adverse to the idea. Who would have thought a magical aphrodisiac was the answer to their problems. He was about to grab the dish when a thought popped into his head. An aphrodisiac from their creator, that sort of thing was used on Earth, too -- during fertility rituals. 

He swallowed nervously and hoped to hell that he was wrong. "Uh...Orlando? You might not want to do that. I just thought of something." 

"What?" 

"Well...if that stuff can sap my strength to promote procreation... can it muck with your plumbing to, uh you know...make it so that we, uh...produced something after all that shagging?" 

Orlando´s eyes went wide as dinner plates. "Fucking shitarse! I hadn´t thought of that!" 

He cast an enchantment and then the color drained from his face. He looked up at Eric with an expression of horror. 

"Oh no..."

Eric´s stomach turned. "You mean?" 

Orlando didn´t reply, he just waggled his head up and down. As soon as he did so, the floor underneath Eric´s feet felt like it had lurched to the side. He couldn´t believe what they had inadvertantly done -- how in fuck was he going to explain this to Sean? *He* certainly didn´t feel ready for fatherhood, and he was damned sure Orlando wasn´t. 

Then his brain veered off on other tangents. What would it inherit? Curly hair, probably. Hopefully not his ears. But if he had passed down his strength...

"Orlando, we...we shouldn´t keep it." 

The furious expression that appeared on Orlando´s face made Eric cringe. "Listen...this is my baby, too. Don´t you think I should get a say?" 

"But...you´re a bloke!" 

Orlando pouted, "So? That doesn´t mean that I don´t want kids, yeah?" 

"You can´t do that! You´re a hero! If you have this child, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that says, ´Attention all villains! I have a big soft spot, kidnap my kid and hold it hostage to get what you want.´"

He winced when he saw Orli´s angry expression. "Are you saying that I won´t be able to protect him?" 

"Him?"  Eric blinked. 

"I´m a mage, yeah? I know that it´s going to be a boy. And I´m not asking *you* to take care of it, you wanker. After all, I grew up without a father and I did just fine." 

As Orlando finished his sentence, Eric got a fleeting glimpse of a profoundly hurt expression in the depths of Orlando´s eyes. He was pretty damn sure that Orli was lying about that last bit, and a twinge of guilt stabbed him. 

"Okay, okay. I´ll keep him." 

He was suddenly knocked to the ground by an enthusiastic Orlando. "Fantastic! Now...I need you to nick some of that glop." 

Eric blinked, "Excuse me?" 

"I need to study it to make sure that whatever magic created our baby is going to sustain itself for the entire nine months." 

Orlando had a point. On the other hand, the dish was out in plain view, and Eric had a sneaking suspicion that if he made a grab for it, the Hy´n´h´rth´l would see it and get offended, orgy or no. He started looking for an excuse. "Where in fuck am I going to hide it?" 

Another spell to dress them obliterated that argument. Eric decided to continue to plead his case. "I don´t have anything to put it in." 

A small jar appeared in Orlando´s hand, and he quirked an eyebrow upward. 

Eric said, "They´ll see me. Why don´t you do it?" 

Orlando said, "It´s only fair, *you* knocked me up."  He looked at Eric with a big, wide-eyed vulnerable expression. "Please? For our child?" 

Gah. Those damn puppy dog eyes did Eric in, and he grabbed the jar out of Orlando´s hand. Oh well, he was sure that after he did this one thing, he´d get off the hook. 

***

"Eric, my bath´s getting cold!" 

Eric grumbled as he finished warming up the massage oil. It had been a couple of weeks since they had returned from the Hy´n´h´rth´l ship, and Orlando had been a right pain in the arse the entire time. 

At least he had been able to obtain a sample of the green goo. The only solution that he could think of was to sneak out during the orgy and damage the airlock in order to force a red alert. While the Hy´n´h´rth´l were scattering for cover, he scooped up some of the substance and presented it to Orlando. 

The good news was that Orlando was able to analyze the goo and figure out that not only could he carry the baby to term, but he was also able to cobble together a spell that would mimic its strength sapping effects. The bad news was that Orlando threatened to spill the beans to Sean if Eric didn´t "treat him right." 

Eric figured it was hormones. He´d heard his friends with children bitch about their moody spouses, and he hoped that if he weathered it through, Orlando would return to normal. Two weeks of constantly cleaning Orlando´s room, rubbing his feet, and drawing his bath was beginning to wear thin. 

He heard a crunching noise above his head and saw Festule chomping down on some bandages. He snorted and said, "Guess I owe my impending fatherhood to you." 

Festule stopped eating and said, "Father? With Miranda? Making a baby to eat, yes?" 

Eric recoiled and said, "No! I mean, not to eat. But I am having a baby with Orlando." 

Festule said, "Ohhh, trying to hide secret, yes? I see. Won´t tell anyone it´s with Miranda." 

Now Eric was getting narked. "Listen, you dense little imp. Orlando got enchanted and I knocked him up. Up on the Hy´n´h´rth´l ship, we consumed some food that was infused with god-magic." 

"Ohhhh, not possible. Orlando is bonded with a special soul... much immune to shape shifting magic. Body cannot be altered at all, yes?" 

Eric blinked and tried to absorb this new knowledge. "Y-you mean... if some kind of magic came in and tried to give him a uterus with an egg..."

"Impossible to take hold. Good defense against werewolves, too."  Festule said as he crammed the last of the bandage into his mouth. "Mmmm, yummy." 

***

Sean was trying to fix himself another sandwich when he heard an unearthly roar coming out of Orlando´s room. The next moment, Orlando was flying past the kitchen at top speed, soaking wet and completely starkers. 

He was yelling out, "Eric! Calm down! It was just a bit of a fun joke, yeah? Come on, I never thought you´d take me seriously." 

Eric barreled down the hallway immediately afterwards. "FUN?"  he yelled out. "I´M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" 

There was a loud crunch seconds later and a rending of metal. As the general alarm went off, Sean rolled his eyes and wondered if the villains had to deal with this shite. 

THE END

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