Author: Elizabeth and Lostiawen

E-mail: sef7881@aol.com and changeling@planetx.org

Rated: R

Pairing: VM/OB (pretty much), VM/various (not really, but it's a crack!fic)

Summary: What would a slash recipe look like?

Archive: Mirrormere.  All others please ask. 

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Crack!Fic, weird humor ahead.  Please go to the bathroom beforehand. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

Author´s Notes: Okay, we're insane.  This all started when Lostiawen was chatting with Elizabeth and she mistyped "cake recipe" as "cock recipe. " We both began musing about what kind of "cock recipe" Viggo would have, and the madness grew from there. ..

This was inspired by Theresa Green´s "Owner´s Manuals. "

Thanks to Salix for suggesting mini sausages and Eirien for the Danish cream!

Posted Nov.  16, 2003

Danish-Style Sausage Recipe

Ingredients

1 sausage casing, 7 3/4" in length and fairly thick.
Enough firm meat to fill out the casing
1 tsp. Danish cream

Preparation

1. Pack the meat as tightly as possible into the casing and fill with cream. Leave a slit at one end. 

2. This sausage is very particular about the model of oven used to cook it. A breakdown of the most popular ones follows:

Yorkshire-Crafted Ovens: Do *not* insert your sausage into most Yorkshire ovens as that will create a malfunction. However, some models may be amenable. 

Sausage also has a disturbing tendency to rugby tackle Yorkshire ovens. 

Manchester-Crafted Ovens: If sausage uses its tongue to approach the tongue of a Manchester oven, this is NOT A MATING RITUAL. 

Iowa-Crafted Ovens: This model is too juvenile for now. Waiting a few years would be best. 

Canterbury-Crafted Ovens: A firm, Canterbury-crafted oven is the preferred model. Many varieties are available. 

Mk I : This model will initially accept *any* style of sausage. However, once you insert your Danish sausage in it, it will only accept this style and will refuse any others. 

Mk II : This model will be reluctant to accept *any* sausage, preferring oysters instead. Much persuasion must be used before it will accept sausage. 

Mk III : This model has been damaged in some way. Rest assured that proper care will persuade it to eventually accept the sausage with enthusiasm. 

Mk IV : This model will accept two styles of sausage at the same time. More advanced models may accept more. 

No preheating is required for Canterbury-style ovens. 

3. Once the sausage is prepared, you need to keep an eye on it, as it tends to wander off at random intervals, sometimes to go camping or horseback riding. 

Cuffing it to the table is an accepted form of restraint, although many chefs will have other suggestions. 

Consult your Canterbury oven´s manual for the most common methods. Note: Despite what the oven´s manual says, hurling the sausage out of a plane is *not* acceptable and may cause damage. 

Surfing is also strictly prohibited as it has been well documented that it creates unacceptable bruises on the meat.

You may also find a sword packed in with the meat, try as gently as possible to detach it. The meat may need to be tenderized before this is possible. 

You may be tempted to dye your sausage random colors, try to avoid giving in to the urge. 

Sausage may also insist on going fishing, please prevent it until it is properly seated in the oven. 

Do *not* let the sausage go near a camera, as it will try very hard to escape with it. Camera may then get dropped in the water, shorting out part of it and leaving red streaks in future photos. 

4. Insert the sausage into the oven: be careful with placement as the fit will be very snug. Repeated insertion may be necessary. 

5. Sausage will be done when the oven wails loudly and cream erupts out of the sausage slit. 

Note: Some recipes exist for mini-Danish sausage. These sausages must be aged properly before they can be put into an oven. Doing otherwise will get you in trouble with the authorities. 

This recipe has been compatible in the past with L.A. style oysters, but this is no longer the case. 

THE END