Author: Lostiawen

E-mail: Lostiawen

Rated: R

Pairing: Ennis/Jack

Archive: My site, Wranglers.  All others please ask.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Total crack!fic.  This is purely intended as parody and should not be taken seriously at all.  *No* disrespect is intended towards BBM.  If you don´t like my humor, that´s fine. ..just don´t flame me for it. 

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Anne Proulx.  The author does not own them and is not seeking to make a profit off their depiction here. 

Author´s Notes: This was inspired by Cassandra Claire´s excellent series of LOTR parody fics, called "The Very Secret Diaries. " If you´ve never heard of it, I highly recommend that you read a few of the ones archived here before you hit my fic. 

BTW, I found a note in her LJ saying that people are free to write VSDs in fandoms other than LOTR.  If you don´t believe me, check out her entry on Dec.  29, 2002.
And yes, I realize that Ennis is way talkier that he is in the movie, but it´s hard to convey anything if I stick strictly to the way he speaks. 

Many thanks to Salix for giving me ideas as to how to finish out this puppy.  I was tanking on the end, thanks for the push!

Posted Feb.  5th, 2006

June 1st, 1963

Got a job with Aguirre. Workin´ with some rodeo fuck-up named Jack Twist. 

June 20, 1963
Damn rain. Damn sheep. Damn beans. 

June 30, 1963
Damn harmonica. Cold, too. 

July 4th, 1963, evening
Colder than a witch´s tit right now. Lookin´ like a three bottle night so´s I can get warm. 

Morning of July 5th, 1963
Head poundin´. Woken up by Jack tellin´ me, "You promised, I´m Bo Peep this morning and you´re the lamb. Hurry up and get that fleece on." 

Damn whiskey. Good thing it ain´t queer if we´re drunk. 

July 31st, 1963
Good think we have plenty of sauce. Spent the rest of the month not being queer. Throat gets kinda raw from all that bleating, though. 

The dogs kinda look at us funny. Fuck ´em, they can get their own sheep. 

August 15, 1963, afternoon
Jack gets pissed when Aguirre starts settin´ up a movie camera inside our tent. Don´t understand it -- Bobby, Dave and the Twins didn´t say a peep last year when I was up here with ´em. 

I tell Jack that we still have whiskey, so it´s okay. Don´t tell me he thought Aguirre made his money offa the sheep? 

August 15, 1963, dusk
Got punched out when Jack found out about the films. What the hell? They make a tidy sum. And it ain´t queer if you get paid for it. 

Sept. 1963
Alma´s pissed that I didn´t come back with a movie this time. Don´t know why, she already has a library of my stuff. 

Oct. 1963
Bought Alma a camera of her own. She´s so happy that she wants to marry me. 

Oct. 1965
Run out of men to not be queer with, and Alma hates sequels. Guess we´re movin´ into town so I can find me some fresh meat. She says that there´s a room above the laundromat that has good lighting. 

Oct. 1967
Jack shows up. Got some good film of us once Alma told him that he´d get top billing. 

I think Alma´s gonna title this one "Cowboys Gone Wild!" 

´Course, I´m actually the one gettin´ top billing. Go me. 

Oct. 1968 - 1973
Same story every year. Film´s doing great -- Alma and I have more money than we know what to do with. Can barely keep track of all the houses, cars, and horses we have. 

Oct. 1973
Damn Lureen. She´s puttin´ ideas in Jack´s head. We came to blows because he wants "at least a half share for all them piledrivers."  Is he nuts? That caterpiller on his lip ain´t worth that much. 

Oct. 1977
Alma´s getting tired of "the same old money shots" and she took off. Told me I was gettin´ too old. Bitch. 

She also had some slick lawyer sue me for a good chunk of my money. Gonna have to get used to only havin´ five houses now. 

Jack keeps pesterin´ me about his pay. Carries on more than Lureen does about her new shade of blonde. And he wonders why everyone calls him "the big nelly bottom".

Shut him up by unzipping and pullin´ out my cowboy poker. Worked wonders, and now I´m gonna release "Cowboys Out of Control!"  This time, though, I got enough footage to make about ten sequels. 

Sept. 1983
Finally decided to give in. Jack will get 49.988888% of the profits. 

Oct. 1983
Gave Jack his profits. He´s got some fool idea in his head of investing in videotape. Says he wants to start a business called "Jack Nasty´s Wall to Walls".

Told him that he was full of shit. Who in hell would want a grainy tape of men not being queer? 

Oct. 1986
Decided I´m gettin´ too old for this shit and I´m retiring. Goin´ out in a blaze of glory by doing two whole football teams for my last movie. 

Got a postcard today from Jack:
"Dear Ennis,
How´s it hanging? I just bought a small island with my earnings from the company. I´m not one to usually say ´I told you so´, but I can´t pass this one up. 

I told you so, yeehaw! 

Jack (Very) Nasty

p.s. It *is* queer, you rat bastard." 

Huh. Guess he´s right. 

THE END

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