Author: Lostiawen

E-mail: changeling@planetx.org

Rated: NC-17

Pairing: VM/OB

Summary: Orli finally gets a date with Viggo. ..but things don´t turn out as well as he had hoped. 

Archive: Please ask.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Bad sex. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

Author´s Notes: Written for the September Viggorously "Bad Sex" challenge. 

The trick with the lipstick was inspired by Tricia's fic, "Taking Advantage."

Posted Oct.  13, 2003.

Orlando twisted his hands nervously as the make-up artist removed his elf ears. He had a date with Viggo tonight, and his stomach was fluttering at the prospect. 

His mind flashed back to the day that Peter had first introduced them, remembering how he had immediately drowned in those blue eyes. During the cast dinner later that evening, Viggo impressed him further with his knowledge, thoughtfulness, and kindness; causing Orli to fall head over heels in love. 

He took every opportunity after that to spend time with Viggo. So much that Elijah started joking that Viggo would need a leash for his new elven dog. 

Viggo, however, seemed to be content to be just friends, and friends they remained. Orli kept his true feelings hidden, letting people think that the attraction was merely a crush. 

He had no idea what prompted Viggo to decide to change things, but he didn´t want to question his good fortune. After he accepted, new doubts assaulted him. What if did something embarrassing or klutzy while he was over? Would Viggo even be interested in hopping into bed with him? What if he put his foot in his mouth like he always seemed to do at the worst times? 

He still remembered how Viggo had asked him last week as he was leaving the Cuntebago. As soon as the question had left his lips, Orlando had almost fallen down the stairs. He nervously accepted, and since then, he spent most of his free time obsessing over it; oscillating wildly between feeling elated or worried. His mind wandered frequently, and the hobbits teased him about his lack of attention, which prompted Orli to chase them around the set. Still, he welcomed the distractions, because it kept him from worrying. 

And now the day he had been both looking forward to and dreading had arrived. Orlando felt a bubble of panic forming. He needed help or reassurance, but he wasn´t sure whom he could turn to. Not knowing what else to do, he went to the trailer Ian shared with the hobbits, fervently hoping that they were still in feet. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Ian open the door. He relaxed further when he glanced in and saw that the rest of the trailer was empty. 

"Orlando! And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"  Ian beamed as Orli came in. 

"Um, well, uh...Viggo asked me out on a date," Orlando blushed and scuffed at the floor with his foot. Keeping the date secret, especially from the hobbits, had been an accomplishment of Olympian magnitude. "I´ve just...never...um..." God, his tongue wouldn´t work. "I need help, um..."

"My dear boy, I sincerely hope that you´re not asking me to correct your troubling lack of experience. I´m in a committed relationship right now," Ian said. 

Orli bristled and before he could stop himself, he blurted, "Bugger, that´s not the problem, Ian! I´ve fucked blokes before, I need help because I don´t want to bitch things up on my date with Viggo tonight!"  He suddenly blushed at his tirade. 

Ian smiled. "Viggo asked you out on a date? How wonderful." 

Orli played nervously with the hem of his t-shirt. "Yeah. It is." 

"But surely you´ve been out on a date before, Orlando." 

"Not with someone as fantastic as Viggo. And, um..." Orlando controlled the urge to babble about how he never had felt this way before about anyone. "I´ve only gone out on dates with girls," he said lamely. 

"I see..." Ian said. "Well, to start with, where are you going?" 

"He´s cooking dinner for me at his place," Orli said. "Should I bring wine or something?" 

"Do you know what he´s serving?" 

"Um...no." 

Ian said, "Well, knowing Viggo, I´m sure he´s picked out something suitable." 

Orlando shuffled, "I, uh, I also really don´t know what to wear." 

Ian´s eyes twinkled. "Then it was definitely a wise move to talk to me first. I doubt that the abominable shirts you normally wear will impress Viggo. Let me finish changing and then we can drive over to your house." 

"Thanks Ian," Orli said, hugging him. 

"My pleasure." 

***

"Good heavens, Orlando, don´t you have *any* shirts that are one color? And don´t think about even pulling one out that has ruffles," Ian said as he looked through Orlando´s wardrobe. 

"Um, yeah, this one," Orli replied, holding up a shirt that was a blinding salmon color. 

Ian sighed. "You should really invest in some black shirts some day."  He poked a bit in Orlando´s closet and pulled out a pair of black jeans. "These should do. Pair this up with one of your plain white t-shirts and some white socks." 

"Um, isn´t that a bit too casual?" 

"Not for Viggo," Ian said, smiling. "And do remember to use just a *touch* of cologne, instead of the truly phenomenal amounts you tend to use." 

"I do not," Orlando huffed indignantly. 

"For other men your age, perhaps. But as you get older, subtlety is appreciated." 

Orlando slapped his forehead. "Shit! I forgot that I need to shower!"  He looked at the clock. "Oh God, if I don´t start now, I´m going to be late!" 

Ian got up. "I´ll let myself out, then."  He patted Orlando on the shoulder, "And remember to remain calm. Good luck, my boy, I´ll expect a full report tomorrow." 

Orlando hugged Ian again and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks, Ian." 

"It was my pleasure. Goodbye, Orlando," Ian said as he opened the door. 

"Bye," Orli replied. After the door clicked shut, he tore off his clothes and quickly showered. 

As he was drying himself off, he was glad that his mohawk didn´t need anything in the way of styling. His curls always tended to be unruly at the worst times, and it would be just his luck to have a bad hair day when it was most inconvenient. 

He poked through his dressers, looking for a clean t-shirt. "Bugger, I forgot to do the wash again," he grumbled, fighting down his rising fears. He hoped that he wouldn´t be forced to comb through his mounds of dirty laundry for a shirt that wasn´t too rank. 

He breathed a sigh of relief as he found his last clean t-shirt tucked away in a drawer. As Orli dressed, he grinned when he noticed that Ian had picked out a sinfully tight pair of jeans. 

"Well, well, someone´s a pervy old man," he mumbled to himself. 

Remembering Ian´s admonition, Orlando dotted on his cologne instead of splashing it. He checked his breath, sniffed cautiously at his armpits, and checked his teeth to make sure nothing was stuck between them. 

Satisfied with his appraisal, he said to his reflection, "All right, Bloom, here we go." 

****

Orli tried not to panic as he pushed the doorbell. It´s just Viggo, he kept trying to tell himself. 

Yeah, it´s just the man who is completely fantastic in whatever art form he touches, who can turn even the simplest of roles into a complete character study, who just oozes sex out of every pore, and who makes your heart thump every time you see him. 

He swallowed convulsively as the door opened and Viggo smiled at him. Orli felt the butterflies forming in his stomach and he restrained himself from greeting Viggo with his customary flying hug. This is a date, you git; don´t knock him to the ground. 

He walked in hesitantly and gave Viggo what he hoped was a confident smile. "Hi," he said shyly. 

Viggo said, "You´re just in time, dinner´s almost ready." 

At the mention of dinner, Orli finally noticed the delicious aroma drifting in the air. "Christ, Vig, that smells fantastic." 

Viggo said, "It should, it´s your favorite. My secret Firecracker Fish recipe." 

Orli sighed. How thoughtful of Viggo. As always. "God, you´ve got me drooling already. I can´t wait to try it, you always make the best shit...uh, I mean, the best stuff..." Orli said, blushing crimson. Bugger, why did he have to start babbling *now*? 

Viggo laughed. "Orli, you don´t need to worry about your language or your behavior because this is a date. I´ve listened to you swear your head off for months." 

"I know...it´s just...well...you´re just so brilliant...and I love being around you so much, and I´m afraid that I´ll cock this up, like maybe I´ll get monged and tell you a gross joke over dinner, or maybe I´ll burp in your face or something..." Oh God, did he actually mention burping? Good deal, you tosser, if you don´t shut your yap, you´ll probably tell him a fart joke next. Embarrassed beyond all belief, Orlando became very fascinated with studying the pattern on the carpet. 

Viggo put his fingers underneath Orli´s chin and tilted his head up. "Just be you, Orli. That´s all I want." 

Orlando swallowed nervously. "Really?"  he breathed. 

"Really. Just pretend that this is another dinner at my place and we´ll take it from there."  He grinned from ear to ear. "Besides, it wouldn´t be the same without your little potty mouth shooting off, elf boy." 

Orlando gulped. "Um...okay." 

The buzzer went off and Viggo smiled gently at Orlando. "I have to take the fish off the stove. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable before you sit down at the table. 

"All right," Orli said, trying to control the shake in his voice. He removed his shoes and socks, which he usually did when he was over at Viggo´s. He then wandered over to the dinner table, walking slowly so that he wouldn´t knock anything over. 

As Orli sat down, he spotted the bottle of wine on the table. He recognized it as an obscure brand that he was particularly fond of, making him feel warm inside. It was just like Viggo to pay attention to that kind of detail. 

"Vig, do you want me to open the wine?"  he called out. 

"If you could, Orli, that´d be great," Viggo said from the kitchen. 

Orlando stood up and opened the bottle carefully, not wanting to give himself a black eye while he was pulling the cork out. He poured the wine slowly, trying to make sure that they had exactly equal amounts in their glasses. He cursed softly as his hands shook, and it took a supreme effort to not spill it. 

Viggo appeared at that point with the fish and Orlando sat down quickly, almost knocking his glass over. 

Viggo placed the plate on the table before he disappeared briefly into the kitchen again. He reappeared with a salad and a side of rice and arranged them on the table before he sat down, also. He noticed that Orli was twitching uncomfortably, so he reached over and squeezed one of the slim hands. 

"Orli...relax. I won´t bite." 

Orli felt his heart race as Viggo´s hand touched his. "Um," he mumbled. 

Viggo said casually, "Well then, how are you going to handle your scenes tomorrow? The prissy elf doesn´t have many lines." 

At the light jibe, Orlando grumbled, "I´ll have you know that Legolas doesn´t *need* to say much. He lets his actions speak for him." 

"But exactly how are you going to project that?" 

Orlando launched into a small rant, chatting away about Legolas´ motivations. The persistent knot in his stomach soon faded, and he felt much more relaxed. 

Viggo smiled again and started talking about further insights he had into Aragorn´s character as he served the fish. Orli listened, feeling warm inside at Viggo´s consideration. 

He promptly dug into his food, glad that his nerves finally calmed down. 

"Christ," Orlando said as he took his first bite. "That´s fucking fantastic, Vig...this just melts as soon as it hits my tongue. Shit, it´s like having an orgasm on your tastebuds..." he blushed crimson as he realized what he had just said. 

Viggo grinned. "I caught the fish just yesterday. I´m glad you approve." 

They chatted amiably for the rest of dinner. Orli carefully sipped at his wine, drinking just enough to take the edge off of his nervousness, but not enough to get even a light buzz. 

He sighed contentedly after dessert had been served. "Oh God, that was wonderful, Vig." 

Viggo said, "Why don´t we move over into the living room?" 

Orli smiled and bounced over with Viggo following him. As he flopped down on the couch, a memory suddenly leapt into his mind, causing him to snicker loudly. 

"What´s so funny, Orli?"  Viggo said. 

"Oh God, do you remember my first night on this couch? I was completely monged and I left my keys at the pub..."

"So I took you to my place to crash, but you were annoying as all fuck. You kept yelling drunkenly at the top of your voice, you wanted to wrestle with me, and then you nearly threw up on my shirt." 

Orli laughed. "I knew I had brassed you off when you dragged me to the bathroom and turned on the cold water in your shower. I don´t remember much after we left the bar, and then the next thing I knew, I was screeching my fucking head off as you doused me." 

Viggo grinned. "I got you sober enough so that you could stumble over to the couch. Liv called me right after you passed out and said that she found your keys. So, when I went to pick them up, I borrowed her lipstick." 

Orli chuckled. "I still remember wondering who in *hell* wrote ´I am a drunk git´ on my chest when I woke up. I raised a row about it with Billy and Dom for weeks. And then you finally ´fessed up, you wanker." 

Orli paused. "I´m still surprised you even let me stay here. I was a complete twat that night." 

Viggo said huskily, "Certain things made it worthwhile." 

Orlando swallowed. Viggo was looking intently at him, his cobalt blue eyes stripping him bare. 

"Um, like what?"  He felt his heart thumping out of control, and his cock immediately leapt to attention. 

Viggo leaned in until their lips were almost touching. Orlando trembled, feeling his shaft drip with anticipation. 

"I had to undress you completely before I hauled you into the shower," he purred before he captured Orli´s mouth. 

Orlando felt his nerves come dazzlingly alive. Viggo pushed him back on the couch, rolling on top of him. Orlando´s senses spun out of control, he had dreamed about touching Viggo so much, and now he was finally tasting him, smelling his scent, feeling his hard cock. All of his earlier nervousness dissipated, the energy now channeled into the heat flooding through his body, oversensitizing every inch his skin. 

Viggo´s tongue plundered his mouth as he ground their cocks together. The contact sent Orlando into complete overload. Before he realized what was happening, he moaned loudly and he came hard, bucking upward. 

Viggo rolled off of him, looking confused. When Orlando stopped quaking, he turned several shades of crimson as he noticed the wet, sticky stain now appearing through his jeans. 

"I´m sorry," Orli mumbled, desperately wishing for a bolt of lightning to strike him and end his misery. 

Viggo kissed him lightly. "It´s all right, Orli. Why don´t you get out of these clothes so that you can clean up?" 

"Um, I don´t have anything else to wear." 

Viggo said huskily, "You won´t need it."  Orlando shivered, and then scampered off to the bathroom, eager to clean up so that he could enjoy the rest of the evening. 

He removed all of his clothes, carefully rinsing off his jeans and his boxers, before he hung them in Viggo´s shower. He left the rest of his garments neatly folded up in a pile by the hamper. 

As he was wiping himself off, he glared at his cock. "Now, are you going to behave? None of that earlier stuff, you hear? I don´t care if Viggo is a complete Sex God, *you* will last through a shagging session." 

Satisfied, he went back to the living room, smiling when he saw that Viggo had spread a blanket out in front of the fireplace. A blaze was burning merrily behind the metal curtain, and Viggo was reclining on the blanket seductively without a stitch of clothing on him. 

Orlando´s throat went dry as he saw the size of Viggo´s dick. It exceeded anything he had imagined in his frequent wet dreams, and he felt himself getting achingly hard at the sight of it. 

"Come here," Viggo purred. Swallowing convulsively, Orlando sat down by his side. Viggo cupped Orlando´s face before he tilted him back gently, lowering him onto his back. 

"You´re so beautiful, Orli," Viggo purred as he pressed tiny kisses up the inside of his thigh. Orlando felt as if he was going to explode as the teasing flutter of Viggo´s lips traveled closer to his cock. He whimpered, silently begging for more. His many fantasies of Viggo´s lips wrapped around his hard flesh played through his mind, making him ache out of control. 

He cried out as he felt a hot, wet lick on the head of his cock. Smiling wickedly, Viggo started to lap at the slit. 

The sinful look in his eyes and the decadent sight of Viggo´s tongue darting out overwhelmed Orlando again. He shuddered, crying out as another orgasm washed over him. 

When he came back down, he was horrified to see that he had splattered all over Viggo´s cheek and beard. A mixture of shock, disbelief, and surprise played across the other man´s face. 

"Shit!"  Orli said, looking about for a tissue. He quickly found one and started mopping Viggo up. "I´m such a twat, oh God, I´m sooo sorry..."

Viggo calmly took the tissue from Orli and cleaned his face off. He said patiently, "Maybe we should stop?" 

Orlando said, "Oh God, please don´t! I´m sure my cock will behave this time, Viggo! I´ve dreamed about being in bed with you for ages!"  He glanced down at Viggo´s aching shaft. "Besides," he said, brushing his fingers over the tip, "it wouldn´t be fair for me to leave you hanging." 

"Please?"  Orlando said again, looking at Viggo earnestly. 

Viggo laughed, and pulled Orli to him. His hands mapped the slim body possessively, and Orlando arched against him, craving more. 

"I want you, Viggo," Orli breathed. 

Viggo pulled some lube out of a nearby drawer and slicked his finger up. He then captured Orlando´s mouth as he lightly massaged the small entrance. Orli whimpered, pushing back and demanding more. Viggo complied, pressing his finger in. 

Orlando winced at the contact, noticing the slight sting. It had been a while since he bottomed, and he tried to relax his muscles. 

He moaned as Viggo stroked him inside, but then he noticed that the sting had increased. In fact...it felt like a burn. A rather insistent burn. One that wasn´t stopping. 

"Viggo...ow, fuck!"  Orli said, squirming uncomfortably. "Stop!" 

Viggo pulled his finger out immediately. "Am I hurting you?" 

"Shit! What the fuck? It feels like I´m on fire back there!" 

Viggo looked horrified. "Holy shit! I´m sorry, Orli! It must have been the chilies I cut up for the fish. Some of the oil must still be on my fingers." 

Orli grimaced; the burn was increasing, and it didn´t seem to want to stop. "Christ! Can I use your shower, Vig?" 

"Go right ahead." 

Orlando darted for the bathroom, hopping in after he pulled his clothes down. However, no amount of scrubbing seemed to take the burn away. 

He gingerly put on his damp jeans and pulled on his t-shirt before he came out of the bathroom. "Vig..." he swallowed, "I think I should just go home." 

"It´s probably best..." Viggo replied. "I´m so sorry, Orli..."

"It´s okay.." Orli said as he pulled on his socks and shoes. "See you at make-up tomorrow, yeah?" 

"Sure," Viggo said, looking rather ashamed of himself. 

Once the door closed, Orli rushed back to his house, feeling completely mortified. He pulled a couple of beers from the fridge, regretting that he couldn´t drown his sorrows with more. He still had to work tomorrow, though, and he always limited his alcohol consumption on work nights. As he finished up his second beer, he breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the burn petering out. 

----
end part 1

Part 2
LOTR RPS Page