Secret Hobbies
part 1/2
Author: Lostiawen
E-mail: changeling@planetx.org
Rated: NC-17
Pairing: OB/?/?
Summary: Orli discovers that the Fellowship has some rather unusual hobbies.
Archive: My site, Mirrormere. All others upon request.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Warnings: Total crack!fic. I bash on JRD rather heavily in this one, so many pardons to fans of his. Please, put your liquids away before reading and go to the bathroom. And read the author´s notes, first.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened. The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within.
Author´s Notes:
Okay, things have been
too stressful/grim for some authors (me
included) lately, so I felt the need
to write a crack!fic. The initial
bunny was started by a tidbit I saw in a gossip rag,
and it just mutated from there.
Many thanks to Salix for contributing many of
the bits and her insanity.
Dedication: To my sweet Elizabeth. I hope
things get better for you, sweetie.
Posted Sept. 7, 2004
August, 2006
Orli yawned as he poured a cup of coffee for himself. He relaxed in his seat, waiting for Mark, the director for his latest movie, to come in.
As he sipped at his coffee, Orli smiled. "Animalistic Tendencies" was going to be the movie that once and for all, was going to break him away from his teenybopper fan base. It was a psychological drama with a huge amount of sexual content. So much, in fact, that security had been tightened to an astonishing degree.
There were no announcements that Orli had even signed onto this film. In fact, Orli had no idea who *had* signed onboard. He grinned. From reading the script, it was definitely going to be controversial, and that´s exactly what he had been hoping for.
The door swung open and Mark stepped in. "How would you like to meet your leading lady, Orlando?"
"Sounds great, man. Who is she?"
"Her name´s Mary Sue Stone."
Orlando frowned. "Never heard of her."
"That´s because I wanted a quality that you just won´t find from the popular starlets in Hollywood. She has to be able to portray a woman who´s vulnerable on the surface, but is fierce, smart, classy, can kick some serious ass, *and* steam up the screen just by standing next to you."
"How in hell did you get someone like that, man?"
Mark grinned. "I sent out a call for a general audition and didn´t say that Orlando Bloom was starring in it. I´ve got someone who´ll fit you to a ´T´, Orli. She´s perfect."
"All right, introduce us."
Mark led Orli into the next room. His co-star was sitting in a chair, with her back to him. Orli caught a glimpse of dark hair.
Mark cleared his throat, "Mary, I´d like you to meet your co-star."
The chair swung around and Orli dropped his coffee cup. "S-sam?" he squeaked.
Sam couldn´t even reply, her mouth just hung open wide enough to catch every fly in Los Angeles County.
***
When the Hobbits arrived at the bar, Orlando was well into his second stiff drink.
"Oi!" Orli said, motioning over to his booth. "Drinks are on me, mate."
"So what´s got you so worked up, Orli?" Elijah asked.
"I don´t want to talk about it," Orli said, gulping down his vodka and soda.
"Uh oh...sounds serious, especially if Orli is keeping his mouth shut," Dom said.
Orli just shook his head helplessly and gestured to the barmaid. He ordered a round of drinks for everyone, and slumped miserably in the booth.
From long practice, the Hobbits knew what to do in case of a sulky Orli -- drink until he was monged enough to start blabbing. They downed their drinks quickly and ordered more for Orli.
Sure enough, on his fourth vodka, Orli moaned, "This town is *so* fucked up. Have I told you about my newest film?"
"No, but I have a feeling that you´re about to," Dom replied.
"Man, it was going to be the shit. James Bond meets Basic Instinct meets XXX meets Gosford Park..."
"Sound really fucking weird," Elijah said.
"No, dude! It means that I could free myself from the teen idol image. Was going to follow Viggo´s example and all that."
"Uh, how?"
"I´m going to take off my clothes, you daft sod."
"You already had a naked scene," Billy said.
"Bills, what I did in Troy was nothing compared to what´s happening in this film. We´re talking full on bump and grind here...guaranteed to shock the censors. If I´m lucky, Mark said that it´ll get banned in Peoria, although I have no idea if that´s like, good."
Sean sipped at his drink. "So, um, I guess you had a change of mind about the sex scenes?"
Orli groaned. "No, even worse...they cast my sister."
"WHAT?" All four hobbits said in unison.
"Um, didn´t they notice the ´Bloom´ listed under her head shot?" Sean asked.
Orli shook his head. "Sam used a stage name."
Dom said, "Oh man, that means that you´ll have to feel her boobs up!"
Orli yelled, "Shut up, you wanker!"
Dom moved in for the kill, "So does that mean you have to stick your tongue in her mouth? She´ll probably have to get naked with you, too..."
Orli tackled Dom. "You cunt!" Fortunately, he was far too drunk to do anything coordinated, and he wound up in a messy sprawl across several hobbit laps.
The tension was broken and everyone giggled. Elijah patted Orli on the shoulder. "Don´t worry, Orli. You´ll be just as unconvincing with Sam as you will with all of your leading ladies."
"What in fuck are you talking about?"
Elijah shrugged. "Just that every time you have to kiss a girl on screen, it totally fizzles. You´re not fooling any of us."
"And who in fuck is this ´us´, Elwood?"
Elijah unzipped the case he was carrying and pulled out a laptop. "Never thought you´d ask, man." He powered the computer up. "I´ve been wanting to test out my cool new wireless card, so let me show you..." He went to a site and typed in a few words. "1.6 million fan sites think you´re gayer than a tree full of monkeys, 1.3 million think you´re bi..."
Orli turned bright crimson. Elijah continued to rattle off the statistics. "1.5 million sites think you´re secretly doing Viggo..."
"Viggo??? Ew! The guy´s like my brother," Orli said. "No way would I shag him!"
"Half a million think you´re doing *me*..." Elijah crinkled his nose.
Dom piped up with, "How many sites think Orli´s buggering me?"
"Shut up!" Orli said in horror.
Dom clapped his hand over Orli´s mouth. "How many?"
Elijah tapped on the keyboard. "Um, 500...and one of them is yours."
Everyone turned to look at Dom.
"You blokes are all high! Where the hell did you pull *that* notion out of your arse, ´Lij?"
Elijah said, "Because the biggest site is run by kiltkink@yahoo.com, and I *know* that it´s one of your e-mail addresses."
"You´re mad."
"And you should learn to flush your history whenever you use my computer, Dom."
"kiltkink?" Orli said, grinning.
"Shut up," Dom mumbled.
"Ew!" Elijah suddenly said.
"Huh, what is it?" Sean asked.
"You don´t want to know."
"Sure we do," Billy said.
"7 sites think Orli´s doing John," Elijah said, blushing.
"EW!" Orli, Sean, Billy, and Dom said in unison.
"I did *not* need to hear that," Orli said. "I mean, John wasn´t even on the horse in most of our shots, he was usually on his knees when he stood next to me..."
"Shut it!" Dom said. "Just drink your drink."
"Oh, I can do that," Orli said, lifting his glass in a mock toast.
"So, ´Lij...do *any* sites think that Orli´s straight?" Billy asked.
Elijah tapped away on his keyboard. "Two...and one of them is run by Orli´s mom."
Orli groaned. This was not turning out to be a good day by far.
***
Orli´s head was spinning when Sean dropped him off at his house. He fumbled for his keys and somehow managed to make his way into the living room without killing himself.
His cell phone started playing the Macarena, and Orli growled. He really, truly hated that fucking song, but he couldn´t figure out how to re-program his phone to play something else.
"Piss off!" he snarled into it.
"And fuck you, too," Sam´s voice snapped back at him. "You had better figure out what you´re going to do about the new film, because I already signed the contract and I can´t pull out."
"Shit...sorry. Don´t worry about it, I´ll call Mark in the morning and tell him that I can´t do it."
"Won´t he get incredibly narked?"
"He can blow me. It´s his fucking fault that he didn´t notice the family resemblance and do some checking."
Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "However," Orli said, "He´ll still give me shite, so you owe me a favor."
"What?" Sam replied cautiously.
"I need your computer savvy," Orli replied. "I´m curious about something."
---
end part 1