Authors: Lostiawen and Salix

E-mail: Lostiawen and Salix

Websites: http://www.planetx.org/~changeling and http://www.geocities.com/salixbabylon/index.html

Rated: NC-17

Pairing: VM/OB

Summary: Why is Viggo buying girly bath bombs at Lush in Toronto?

Archive: Our sites, Mirrormere, VOLA, list archives, and others upon request ONLY. 

Feedback: Always appreciated.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

Authors´ Notes: This came out of a chatfic between Lostiawen and Salix.  We decided to clean it up and release it as a full-blown fic.  Enjoy!
Posted Aug.  29th, 2005

It was three days after Orlando had trashed Viggo´s trailer in Wellington. Most of the cast had been put up in the same hotel, for some location shoots. All of the Fellowship were housed together, and the hotel staff had been warned to expect some rowdiness. Right now, thought, things were quiet -- it was still early, and the Hobbits´n´Orli were out clubbing. 

Quiet except for the activity on one of the floors; using a credit card, Viggo broke into Orlando´s room to enact his revenge. His bare feet made no noise as he removed all of the bath soap, replacing it with glittery bath bombs and heavily scented glittery shower gel. Once his mission was accomplished, he strolled out, locked the door behind him, and then called the housekeeping staff to inform them that Mr. Bloom did not require any more toiletries. 

****

In the morning, a very hung-over Orli dragged himself out of bed, sleepily showered, and staggered into the trailer set up outside the hotel for makeup, gripping his tea mug like his life depended on it. He grunted out a barely recognizable "mornin´" before he fell into his chair. Still in a daze, he failed to notice Viggo, Bean, and the makeup assistants trying to repress their laughter. 

Despite a valiant attempt, a guffaw broke lose from Sean. "Wow, the elves are *very* poncy today," he noted. "You reek of flowers, mate. Or should I say ´luv´?" 

Orlando blinked, looking up from his tea. It was far too early for this kind of shit. "What the fuck, Bean?" 

Sean rolled his eyes. "Smell yourself, you daft bastard." 

Puzzled, Orlando looked over in Viggo´s direction. However, Viggo seemed oblivious to everything. He sat in his chair, face immobile as he read the day´s script changes. 

Orlando lifted up an arm to smell his armpit. An unfamiliar scent wafted up. Baffled, he sniffed it again -- that smell was still there. His forehead wrinkled as he sat back in the chair and thought for a long moment. 

"That´s not my normal soap," he finally realized. Something caught his attention, and he squinted at his arm. "And I´m all shimmery..." His face was a picture of adorable confusion. 

Another snicker slipped out of Bean. "Just like a little fairy," he laughed, "Shall we call you Tinkerbell now?" 

That was the straw that broke the camel´s back. Sean and Viggo had been needling Orlando since day one about elves being poncy, and Orlando was sick to death of it. "Fuck off, Bean!"  Orli replied, flipping him off. 

That was apparently the trigger for Viggo, and he dropped his script, falling out of his chair and laughing until tears streamed down his face. 

"What the bloody hell?"  Orlando asked, his indignance growing. 

Viggo pulled himself together enough to gasp, "I switched your soap, Elf Boy."  He snorted loudly, quite satisfied with himself. 

Orli turned pleading eyes to Jose, one of the makeup assistants. "Do I have time to shower fucking AGAIN?"  he asked, looking for sympathy. 

Jose answered, "Only if you take one right now in the back bathroom. Water temperature is a bit sketchy, though." 

Although Jose´s voice carried a tone of pity; Viggo, in contrast, was still rolling around on the floor, guffawing like a maniac. Orlando´s blood boiled; this was *serious*, damnit! 

"You cunting bastard!"  he shouted, lunging out of his chair to attack. The two men flailed around as Orlando tried to pin Viggo to the carpet, but Viggo was too crafty of a fighter, and he broke Orli´s grip with ease. 

Once Viggo gained the upper hand, he pinned Orli beneath him. "Bean!"  he shouted. 

Clearly just waiting for an opening, Sean joined the fray, launching himself on the elf. "For Gondor!"  he yelled as he tickled a now helpless Orlando. 

Orlando kicked and struggled against the two men, yelping, "Ow, fuck! Watch those hands, mate!"  Ignoring his cries, they tickled Orli until tears rolled down his cheeks. "Help! They´re molesting me!" 

Finally, Sean began to pull away, muttering, "Fuck. Now I have glitter on my hands *and* I smell like a poof." 

Orlando tried to twist out of Viggo´s grasp, but the other man had a death grip on him. "Leggo, you kinky motherfucker!"  Orlando shouted in vain. 

Viggo ignored him, continuing to tickle Orli until he couldn´t breathe. "Sean, lend me a hand?" 

Sean looked at Viggo in exasperation. "Bugger that; the one thing I don´t need is to reek of girly perfume. I´m gonna go wash up," he said, closing the door behind him as he left. 

Orlando´s reserves of energy appeared to be drained. He stopped thrashing around in Viggo´s arms, giggling and struggling weakly, trying to pout and catch his breath at the same time. The make-up artists discreetly exited, sensing an impeding blow up between Man and Elf. 

"Awww, don´t pout, sweetheart," Viggo said, in a soothing tone. Orlando calmed down somewhat and then Viggo ruined it with, "You look so pretty," and a giggle. 

Still on the floor, Orlando was gasping with injured pride. "You are so fucking dead, Viggo. Dead, buried, and pissed on the grave, even." 

Viggo snorted. He reached up and grabbed a flower from his station, and started to run it over Orli´s face, hoping to calm the furious Elf down. 

It didn´t work. Orlando flushed and batted at the flower. "What did you fucking do to my fucking soap, you fucking git?"  he demanded. 

Viggo tried his best innocent face. "What? I thought the elves liked flowers. You smell like one now."  Another laugh slipped out. "Don´t you like Lush products?" 

A weak slap and scowl from Orlando were his responses. 

"Where in hell did you learn to fight?"  Viggo snickered, rolling back on top of Orlando and pinning his arms above his head. "Now, are you going to calm down?" 

Orlando stuck out his tongue and pouted at Viggo again. 

"Don´t stick that thing out unless you want to use it," Viggo admonished, shaking a finger at the scowling elf. 

Orlando´s tongue came out again and wiggled around. "I double dog dare you, old man," he challenged. 

Without further banter, Viggo stuck his ridiculously long tongue out and, closing the distance between them, wrapped it around Orli´s. Orlando squeaked a moment, then tugged it into his mouth and sucked, moaning. 

Startled, Viggo immediately let go and sat back, blinking in disbelief. "Um..."

Orlando wrenched his wrists free and wrapped them around Viggo in a vine-like fashion, followed by his long legs twining around Viggo´s waist. 

Panic crossed Viggo´s face; this went far beyond simple teasing, and his body was reacting to Orli´s nearness. "Err..." he mumbled before he was saved by a knock on the door. 

"FUCK!"  shouted Orlando as Viggo detached himself and jumped into his chair. Orli lay there for a minute, still panting for air and shimmering with glittery sweat. 

Jose poked his head back inside, raising his eyebrows at disheveled Orli. "Um, am I interrupting something?" 

Orlando closed his eyes and said in a very calm, even voice, "I´m going to fucking kill you later, Vig." 

Viggo needed to hide his discomfort quickly. Knowing that it would annoy Orli, he gazed at the prone figure with a smug grin. "Don´t think so. Now, let´s get to business." 

With a scowl, Orlando got up and flounced into his chair. Jose was almost positive he heard Orli grumble "Bloody fucking tease" as he started to apply dirt to Viggo´s face. 

****

Viggo lounged in his chair in front of the temporary makeup station, face clean but still in full-on Ranger ensemble. He was tired as hell and had just remembered that he couldn´t go home yet; he still had to go to fight practice soon. Even a shower was out of the question, since Jose had told him that the pilot light on the water heater had gone out while they were filming. 

The doorknob turned and a long string of obscenities entered, followed by Orlando. He wandered in and started stripping off elf clothes, grumbling under his breath about glitter and flower smells. In the midst of his tirade, he gave Viggo a poisonous glare. "Never been so bloody eager for a shower, thanks to you, you cunting bastard... All fucking day, being teased about being a real elf... Dead, mate, so bloody dead..." he muttered as he undressed. 

As Orlando stripped, Viggo felt that uncomfortable tingle in his groin. Needing to re- direct his desires, he decided to tweak the Elf again. He suggested, "Go ahead and grab the shower first. You can have all the hot water." 

Totally shameless, Orlando stripped off the last of his clothes. The light shimmered off his wee arse, and Viggo tried his hardest to not drool. 

After parading about a bit, Orlando grabbed a towel and disappeared into bathroom. The sound of water running was all that could be heard for a moment, and it was followed by a loud, piercing shriek. A half-second later a naked, wet elf came streaking out of bathroom, yelling "GOING TO FUCKING *MAIM* YOU, VIGGO!"  and started flailing slappy punches at his tormentor, punctuated by creative swearing. 

Viggo was laughing too hard to defend himself effectively. He toppled backward, taking the elf with him. Orlando continued the onslaught, naked, on top of Viggo. 

Viggo froze. And blinked. "Ummm...." Aragorn´s leggings were suddenly a bit too tight. 

Still shouting and slapping, Orlando growled, "...and I´m not a fucking ponce you fucking arse, not an elf, not a child, not a nance, and why doesn´t anyone fucking ever fucking take me seriously? You´re such a bunch of cunting arses and I hate you hate you hate you."  He was trying to look mean, but instead shivered and got goose-pimples, running out of steam verbally. He sat there, looking at Viggo for a moment. "You´re hard," he said, his voice full of awe. 

Swallowing nervously, Viggo said "Uh... There´s something in my pocket?"  A moment later he tried to shove Orlando away; "I´ve gotta go to fight practice." 

"Something in your pocket. Right."  Orlando wiggled. Deliberately. 

Viggo bit his lip, trying to stifle a moan and failing miserably. 

Orlando grinned. "I think I know what´s in your pocket, Vig." 

"Orli..." Viggo breathed, "We can´t do this..." His face was anguished. 

Orlando moved in so their lips were just barely apart. "Sure we can..." And then he kissed Viggo. 

The feel of Orlando´s body was so tempting, Viggo´s struggle faded... He wanted to run his hands over the goose-bumps and warm Orli up... Instead, he slowly caressed him, and then rolled him to the side. "I can´t, Orli. We´re co-stars..."

Orlando sat there, naked, damp, glittery, and half-hard. He blinked at Viggo in disbelief. "We can´t. Because we´re co-stars."  He blinked again. "That is the stupidest fucking thing I´ve ever heard."  He got up, scowling, and dressed in silence. 

"Orli, please don´t be mad..." Viggo tried to explain, "but if we get involved and it goes sour..."

Orlando refused to look at him, waving his hand as if to ward off the excuses. "Yeah, yeah. Just in case it all blows up before we´re done filming, best not to start anything. God fucking forbid that it might NOT go sour, you bloody git. What then? I´ll tell you what - then you´ve just wasted something that might be great just in case it isn´t. Well fuck you. I´m going back to the hotel for a shower. With some soap," he added, storming out. "I thought you were meant to be brave, *Ranger*," he shouted before he slammed the door. 

Viggo couldn´t stop himself from cringing; Orlando was right. 

****

Later that evening Viggo and Sean sat in the bar of the hotel, drinking and watching the Blades lose, consoling themselves over their respective woes. Viggo lost count after his fifth serving of scotch, but every time he thought of Orlando´s angry words, he found himself ordering another drink. 

"Fucking elf," he grumbled, downing the amber liquid in his glass in one gulp. 

Bean looked away from the telly. "What?" 

"He just doesn´t get it," Viggo replied cryptically. 

"Get what?" 

Viggo seemed to suddenly realize he was speaking out loud. "Um... You know. The co- star thing." 

Bean gave him a look. "What co-star thing?" 

Viggo rolled his eyes. "You know... Where you shouldn´t sleep with your co-stars." 

"Right, that one..." Bean nodded sagely. "Wait, he hit on you?" 

"He hits on everyone, Sean. Give me a break," Viggo answered, not sure if he was slurring or not. 

"Right," Bean answered. "Well, someone should teach him a lesson."  Viggo nodded, so Sean continued, "If he were smaller, I´d say we spank his wee arse." 

Viggo´s eyes lit up. "Oh, there´s an idea. Let me get the Hobbits."  He staggered over to the dart board, interrupting Dom and Billy´s drunken argument over the origin of the bull´s eye. "Hey, you two...Wanna help me play a joke on the elf?" 

Dom nodded. "Sure. What´s up?" 

Viggo whispered for a minute, and by the end, Dom and Billy were grinning. "Whenever you´re ready, gentlemen," he said, giggling insanely. After letting Bean in on the plan, the four men made their way to the stairs by Orlando´s room, sniggering and shushing each other. 

Viggo´s tried to jimmy the lock with his credit card, but his clumsy fingers refused to co- operate. The rest of the party guffawed, and he hissed back, "Quiet! I´m trying to pick the lock!" 

After some more fumbling, Viggo succeeded in popping the door open. Whipping open the door, Sean lurched in, bellowing "FOR GONDOR!" 

Viggo followed swiftly behind, and the two Men grabbed Orlando. They yanked him bodily out of his bed and ran whooping down the stairs, with the Hobbits trailing eagerly after them. 

Orlando shrieked at the rude awakening, but his yells died down to a whimper when he was dropped hard onto the stairs. Before he could move, Dom sat on his legs and Billy sat on his stomach. 

"OW! What the FUCK?!?"  Orlando shouted. He tried to sit up and push the Hobbits aside, but Bean grabbed his arms and held them, too. 

Viggo knelt over him, growling, "You need to be taught a lesson."  He noticed Orlando´s nose crinkling when his breath wafted over, and he was gripped by the urge to discipline the smug little prick underneath him. He shoved Orli´s t-shirt up and whapped his belly, generating a hollow noise that echoed in the stairwell. The Hobbits, not content with holding still, started tickling their helpless victim. 

Orlando twisted and yelled more obscenities than most of the hotel patrons had ever heard. Viggo ignored them and continued his assault until Orli´s colorful speculations on Viggo´s ancestry trailed off into pained whimpers and moans. The moans faded into tears, and then Orlando stopped fighting and just lay there, completely giving up. 

Viggo wasn´t satisfied. "I can´t just fuck around, Orli," he said, slapping Orlando´s belly again. "You should know that." 

Dom sniggered, "But he´s an elf slut!" 

And then Orlando started to get mad. "What the bloody hell? This is about earlier today, you fucking bastard?"  he yelled into Viggo´s face. "You want to talk about this *here*? *Now?* With all the rest listening in?" 

Viggo blinked at him, trying to focus. "Ooh, right... Kinda forgot..." he mumbled. He briefly thought about calming Orli down, but then his alcohol-soaked brain suddenly found everything amusing, and Viggo wound up giggling instead. 

"We´re all drunk anyway. Doubt we´ll anything remember," Dom said as he tipped sideways, laughing. 

The rest of the group took that as their cue to let Orlando go. "What´s to discuss?"  Billy laughed. "Everyone knows you can´t keep it in your trousers." 

Dom said in a bad Canterbury accent, "Hello, luv...aren´t you a pretty one? Wanna shag in the loo?"  His rendition of Orlando´s voice caused everyone to howl with laughter. 

Everyone except Orlando, that is. Fuming, Orlando shoved Billy off of him, straightening his boxers and t-shirt as he got up. 

"Oi!"  Billy shouted as he fell over, "You have a pulse! Let´s shag!"

"Oh, that´s nice, mates. I won´t forget this, I can tell you," Orlando growled as he stormed off to his room. 

"Ooooh, he´s mad..." Bean noted, but then ruined it by snickering. 

Viggo looked concerned. As much as he could anyway -- what they had just done was only just starting to sink into his head. Eventually the others went back to their rooms, leaving Viggo sitting in the hall. Thinking. 

After an eternity, the full scenario finally registered and Viggo was shocked at how cruel he had been. Needing to rectify things, he crept up to Orlando´s door and tapped quietly. 

"Fuck off!"  Orlando shouted back. 

Viggo winced. He deserved that; but he needed to fix this. Taking a deep breath, he asked softly, "Orli, can we talk?" 

"You deaf? Fuck OFF!" 

"Orli... I´m sorry for what happened out there," Viggo said. "Please open the door?" 

Viggo heard many grumbles through the door, along with the occasional thump. After a few minutes, he heard the click of the deadbolt being opened, but the door stayed closed. A few more thumps sounded, followed by the creak of the bed. 

There were no other sounds, and after a while, Viggo guessed that the initiative was being left up to him. Heart thumping, he opened the door, and then closed it swiftly behind him. A glowering Orlando was sitting on the bed, his eyes glittering with fury. 

Viggo lowered his eyes and said, "I´m sorry that got out of hand... I was... *am* really drunk..." He rubbed his hands together awkwardly. "Um... How can I get you to forgive me?" 

Orlando gave him an icy glare. "I don´t know, mate. Not my job to figure it out, either. Just say your piece and get out. I know what you all think of me now. Fucking arseholes." 

Unsure if he would be rebuffed, Viggo took a few tentative steps towards the bed. When nothing happened, he continued walking, stopping when he stood close to Orlando. 

Fingers trembling, he reached out to touch the slender shoulder. "Orli... I don´t think you´re loose... It´s just... I´m too old for casual sex." 

Orlando batted his hand away, spitting out a curse. 

"Orli, please..." Viggo said, feeling his heart clench. 

"Fuck you, Viggo!"  Orlando shouted. "What the fuck makes you think I just want a quick shag and nothing else? Or is that all you want from me?" 

Viggo stepped back, beginning to get angry himself. "Because that´s all you´ve ever wanted out of anyone else," he said, "I want a partner, Orli! Not a fuck buddy! You´re young, you´re beautiful... Of course you sleep around." 

Orlando´s face scrunched up as he yelled, "Well maybe I´m tired of it, too! I´m sick of just pulling someone at the pub and shagging them without ever even knowing their name. Fuck! I just... I just thought you... I thought since were friends, that maybe... Well. Guess I shouldn´t have bothered thinking at all, yeah?"  he finished bitterly. 

"Y-you want more," Viggo said, deflating. "Fuck..." He fell to his knees. "I misjudged you."  He crawled to the bed and put his head in Orlando´s lap. "I´m so sorry, Orli..." he sniffled. 

Orlando pushed Viggo off his lap. "Get off me, you lying prick! Fuck, don´t you ever give up? I get it - you think I´m a slut and you´re not interested. Now go away!"  He got up and walked toward the door muttering, "Fucking drunk actors..."

Viggo lunged at Orlando, grabbing him and shaking him by the shoulders. "Listen to me! I care for you, goddamnit!" 

Orlando growled. "Four words, Vig - ´glitter soap´ and ´belly-slapping.´ Talk is cheap, mate. Prove it." 

After a long moment of silence, Viggo scooped Orli up into his arms and staggered into the bathroom. 

Clinging on for dear life, Orlando squeaked, "What the fuck?" 

Holding him close, Viggo freed one hand and turned on the taps in the bath. He added some non-girly smelling bath salts, pulled off Orlando´s clothes, and pushed him into the tub. Silently, he began to massage Orlando´s shoulders and back. 

Feeling the muscles start to relax, Viggo whispered, "Better?" 

Orlando blinked at him. "I´m naked and wet. It´s what, 2 am?"  He sighed, then admitted, "Better. Feels nice. But I´m still confused." 

"Hush. Let me spoil you," Viggo murmured, getting out the shower gel. He massaged it into Orli´s back until he heard a slight purr. "Let me get that tension out...." He made an effort to go for the knots of muscle, and decided that it made sense in his still-woozy mind that he could reach better if he got in the tub also. Quickly, he stripped and slid into the hot water behind Orlando. 

The splash woke Orli up from a relaxed doze. "Uh. Vig? You´re still drunk, aren´t you?"  he asked with resignation. 

Viggo giggled. He felt incredibly warm, and the room was spinning, but he could still string two words together; which, in his mind, didn´t qualify as drunk. "Just tipsy. Don´t worry about it..." he mumbled, leaning heavily on Orli´s back. Everything was very warm, and he felt like he was floating. 

"Mmmm... God, you feel good," he whispered, nuzzling Orli´s shoulder. 

Orlando moaned and decided to just go with it. 

Viggo´s hands came up to play with Orli´s nipples. "I´ve always loved how large they are... They look so sensitive..." He purred before he squeezed one. 

"Holy fuck!"  Orlando gasped, eyes flying open, wide and alert. He wiggled around. "You. Out of the tub. Now," he ordered, pointing, then struggled to get out of the tub himself. "Move it, Ranger. Bed!" 

Viggo grinned, stumbling into the bed, still wet. "Mmmm..." he sighed, running a hand through his chest hair as he tried to focus on Orlando´s face. "You look good just out of the bath," he purred lecherously. 

Orlando rolled his eyes. "I always look good, filthy human," he said, crawling into bed next to Viggo. He waited a moment to see if the other man would make a move. "You´re going to fall asleep on me, aren´t you?"  he teased. 

Viggo shook his head somewhat dizzily as he reached out to stroke Orli´s ears. "Mmmm... Love your elf ears..." he murmured, sliding closer. "Love those luscious lips of yours..." He licked Orlando´s lips, then pressed in for a very sloppy kiss. 

Orlando tried not to, but melted anyway. Moaning, he kissed back, touching Viggo everywhere. Viggo whimpered, and began running light fingertips all over Orlando´s smooth skin. Their next kiss was more urgent; Viggo´s tongue plundering Orli´s mouth as he rolled on his back, pulling Orlando on top of him. 

Taking a slow, deep breath, Viggo felt the warmness surround him in a cocoon. Before Orlando could react, Viggo´s hands slid off, and he passed out, mumbling, "Love you, Orli." 

Orlando blinked for a moment, hoping this was another of Viggo´s mad jokes. When a soft snore greeted him, he sighed and resigned himself to the fact that nothing was going to be explained until the morning. Orlando pushed Viggo to the side, and pulled up the blankets. Viggo snuggled up to Orlando, wrapping his arms around him protectively. Orlando´s heart softened, and he burrowed further in, kissing the arm around his chest. "I think I love you, too," he whispered. 

Viggo snored in his ear in response. 

---
end part 1
Part 2
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