Author: Lostiawen

E-mail: Lostiawen

Rated: NC-17

Pairing: VM/OB

Summary: So why did everyone in LJ come down with the flu?

Archive: Oh God, no. 

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Total crack!fic.  No attention paid to reality, continuity. ..hell, I didn´t even spell check this thing after I banged it out quickly.  Read at your own risk.

Guest appearances from some LJ´ers. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

The concepts used from "Being John Malkovich" are the property of Grammercy Pictures and USA Films.  The author does not own and is not making a profit from them. 

Author´s Notes: Since we're all giant heaps of stress on LJ, and because Melacita put this bunny in my head, I decided to crank out this crack!fic. 

Just a little background for those of you not on LJ : during the last week of Feb. /first week of March, a bunch of LJ´ers got really, really sick with a fairly nasty flu (including me.  I was sick as a dog when I wrote this). 

This will make very little sense if you haven´t seen "Being John Malkovich".  Sorry. Oh, and it´s not as nutty as I hoped it would be. ..it´s just kind of weird.  Oh yeah, anything in italics denotes that the action is taking place in Viggo´s head. 

Posted Mar.  3, 2005

"Damn, I´m bored," Mary Sue muttered to herself. She kept clicking, hoping for *something* good to appear on LiveJournal. She couldn´t believe how dry it was -- the red carpet arrivals for the Oscars were starting in a few hours and *no* one was posting. 

She clicked "reload" again, waiting for the inevitable redraw. Once it finished, her jaw dropped. Someone had actually managed to scam a bunch of passes to the Oscar Afterparty and was offering them for free. All everyone had to do was show up at an office in L.A., first come first serve. 

Squeeing loudly, Mary Sue YM´d all of her friends and rushed out the door. The idea of having a chance to see Orli was just too good to be true. 

She miraculously arrived in no time at the designated office. Of course, said office was already packed with a gazillion Orli fangirls. 

"Crap," she said, craning her neck. Her eyes widened as she recognized a few people in the sea of fandom...slashyelizabeth, melacita, abluegirl...while she was gawking, she accidentally got shoved back against a wall. 

The cheap plaster gave way and she found herself tumbling into a hole. Everything went dark, and she was tumbling down a hideously long tunnel. 

"No, look...see? He´s walking towards the kitchen. Oh man...I *hope* he´s not going for a shot of that shitty scotch that he likes..."
*****

Viggo paused inside of his kitchen. He really hated the Oscars. And he especially hated tonight's Oscars. The last thing he needed was to see Orli´s face plastered all over the Internet and TV, reminding him of what he didn´t have any longer. 

Damn, but did he need a stiff drink...he started opening the cabinet...and then stopped. 

Somehow, he wasn´t really in the mood for it now. He went over to the fridge to grab a bottle of spring water, instead. 

***
"Oh my God, he did it!"  Mary Sue squealed. 

Someone cackled evilly. "I know what *I* want him to do." 
****

Suddenly, spring water didn´t seem so appealing to Viggo. No, he really, really felt that he should walk into the bathroom. Not only that...but Henry was right, the moustache was just too much. 

Grabbing his electric razor, he turned it on and sheared every bit of hair off of his upper lip. 

***
"Yay! Death to the ´tache!"  Everyone cheered. 

"What now?"  Mary Sue asked. She heard a doorbell ringing. "Hey, who´d be seeing Viggo?" 
***

Viggo walked over to the front door, wondering who was calling on him. His stomach clenched when he looked through the peephole and saw a familiar, high-cheekboned face clad in jeans and a t-shirt. 

He wanted to just disappear inside and lock himself in the studio, but instead, he whipped the door open and said, "Orli!"  Well, say wasn´t a good description. It actually came out as a high pitched squeal. 

Orlando looked puzzled. "Um, Vig...did you hit your knackers or something?" 

"Huh? No...shit, I don´t know where that came from," Viggo replied. He suddenly found himself noticing how silky Orli´s curls were...so silky that he had to grab a hold of them. 

"Ow!"  Orli said. "Vig...what the fuck??? Damnit! It took the stylist hours to get it right, and you had to go mess it..." He squeaked when Viggo followed up by pinching his nipples. "What in hell??? Shit, what´s wrong with you, man?" 

***
"Fuck! When Orli came by, Viggo picked up our squealing," Mary Sue grumbled. Oh well, at least they prevented Viggo from leaving. 

There was a lot of grumbling, but everyone agreed. 
***

Orlando pouted and said, "Well, if this is how you´re going to greet your ex when he´s trying to patch things up, then maybe I should leave." 

"Ex?"  Viggo squeaked. 

***
Mary Sue clapped her hands over her mouth, wishing that she hadn´t squealed with everyone else. There was a cacaphony in Viggo´s head now. 

The silence that followed was deafening. 
***

"I knew it was a mistake to do one last plea before I get swept up in work again," Orli muttered. He turned around to leave, but Viggo grabbed his arm. 

"No, wait...I´m sorry about earlier...I just woke up and I´ve been feeling off. Come in, please?"  Viggo said. 

Orli nodded, shuffling in and shifting a pile of paper aside so that he could find some room to sit. He twiddled his fingers nervously when Viggo sat beside him. 

"I know you haven´t really talked to anyone lately, so you haven´t heard the news," Orli said. "Kate and I are over. For real. No matter what you´ve heard in the gossip sheets. And I´m not looking for a new beard. I told Robin to sod off and I got a new publicist." 

Viggo´s eyes widened at this revelation. While he was taking it in, Orli sighed and leaned back. "I know it´s probably too late now, since I´m going off to film ´Pirates´ for eleven months, and you´re going to be in Spain...but..."

Viggo cut Orlando off by kissing him, knowing that if he didn´t do *something* Orli was going to babble forever. Orli stiffened briefly, then he responded with fervor, plunging his tongue into Viggo´s mouth. 

Viggo´s head started spinning from lack of oxygen when Orli finally pulled back. 

"Fuck this slow and sweet shite," Orli said, tearing off his jeans. "I want you inside of me *now*." Grinning, Viggo noticed that Orli was distinctly lacking any underwear. However, he wasn´t quite ready to comply with Orli´s request...he pulled off Orli´s t-shirt and leaned in, latching onto a nipple. 

"Shit!"  Orli moaned, fingers digging into the couch while Viggo teased the nub into a hard peak. He rubbed his erection against Viggo´s jeans, grinding against the conspicuous bulge. "Vig...goddamnit, fuck me." 

Growling, Viggo unzipped his jeans and pulled his hard cock out. He reached into a nearby drawer and retrieved the lube. After applying some of the gel onto himself, he pushed a slick finger inside of Orlando. 

Orli whimpered, squeezing Viggo´s finger. "That´s good enough...I need you, Viggo. Give it to me hard," he purred. 

Viggo couldn´t turn down Orli´s request, he plunged in, gapsing as he was surrounded by heat and tightness. 

"Christ!"  Orli screamed, arching up. He shuddered, and then grabbed Viggo´s hips. "That´s it," he said breathily. "Fuck me." 

Viggo pulled almost all the way out and slammed back in. "Like that?"  he growled. Orli yelped and nodded. 

Needing no further prompting, Viggo gripped Orli´s hips hard and pounded into him, moaning at each plunge in. 

Orlando writhed underneath him, clawing frantically at his arms, bracing his feet flat on the couch so that he could push up and meet each of Viggo´s hard thrusts. "Fuck, yeah...just like that! Oh God...I´m close already..." he breathed, reaching down to stroke his cock. 

"That´s it, baby. I want to see you lose it," Viggo rasped. "And then, I´m going to bury my cock in your sweet ass and fill you up with my hot come." 

"Fuck...Vig!"  Orli screamed before he threw his head back, his body convulsing as pearly fluid spurted from his cock. His inner muscles clamped down on Viggo, squeezing hard. 

Viggo slammed forward one last time and cried out, every inch of him shaking as he climaxed. He rode high, flying for what seemed like an eternity, and then the energy drained out of him and he collapsed onto Orlando´s sweaty chest. 

"Mmm...that was fantastic," Orli said breathlessly. "That was definitely worth a bollocking from my stylist." 

"Yeah," Viggo said, stroking Orli´s cheek. The tender gesture was interrupted by Orlando suddenly sneezing. "Oh, thanks a lot, Elf Boy!"  Viggo grimaced. 

"Sorry, Vig. I think I´m coming down with a cold or something..." Orli said. 

****

Before Orli could finish his sentence, everything went black around Mary Sue and she felt like she was falling. She screamed as she felt herself plunging faster and faster down what seemed like a bottomless pit. 

And then, just as suddenly, she landed far softer than she should have on a patch of grass. Disoriented...she looked around. She had just read the sign saying "Welcome to Half Moon Bay," when the rest of the fangirls landed on top of her. 

****

It took forever for everyone to finagle a ride home, but somehow, they did. Mary Sue tried to find her way back to the mysterious passage, but when she went back to the office building, she found that it had been sealed up. Not only that, but the message that had lured her out had been deleted. 

For a while, Mary Sue wondered if she had lost her mind, that is, until she, and a bunch of other girls got sick. And then it was reported that Orlando was also sick. 

"Of course!"  Mary Sue said. "We all caught the flu because we were riding in Viggo´s head when he had reunion sex with Orlando!" 

THE END

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