Night Calls
part 1/1
Author: Lostiawen
E-mail: Lostiawen
Rated: R
Pairing: VM/OB
Summary: Be careful of who you call at night.
Archive: VOLA, Mirrormere. All others please ask.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Warnings: Crack!fic
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened. The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within.
Author´s Notes:
This is for Jassy, who was woken up
by a crank caller one night. I decided to bash on the
guy here. Hope you enjoy, sweetie!
Posted July 16th, 2005.
God, what a dull day at work. Stamping every single fucking little form that comes in; and my shithead of a boss ragging on me. Of course, I really *can´t* talk back to him. Even though I think that he just totally sucks.
To make sure that I stay on his good side, I try to remain friendly -- complimenting him on his clothes, his car, laughing at his lousy jokes... And then Ellie had the gall to tell me that I was a kiss ass. What does she know? I´m just trying to save my neck.
Of course, everyone else had the same opinion...nope, don´t go there. I´m right, they´re wrong. They´ve always been wrong. Still, I´m pissed off as hell and I need to vent my frustration...
Smirking, I see my object of delivery on the wall. My phone. My precious, precious phone. Ahhh, I feel the thrill of the hunt pulsing through me. It´s 4 am, prime time for me. I grab the receiver and let my fingers do the walking as I dial randomly. Heh. I said fingers do the walking.
The phone rings for a bit, but there´s no answer. Damn, hope this one isn´t a sound sleeper. Come on, pickuppickuppickup.... yessss...that´s it...
"´Lo?" A sleepy, Brit voice asks.
Score! I love getting guys on the phone -- ask them anything that remotely implies that they´re gay and they flip out.
Lowering my voice down from its usual squeak, I growl, "Do you take it up the ass?"
There´s a pause, and the voice replies, "Hmm...wha?"
Yeah, still asleep. Man, this going to be great when he realizes what I´ve said. "Do you like to take it up the ass?" I repeat.
There´s another long pause. This is so cool...I think it´s sinking in. I hear a mumble and the guy says, "No, I like to keep my private life private. There´s some things a gentleman doesn´t reveal."
Huh? What the fuck? Is he already awake? I hear another mumble. No, he still sounds sleepy. That´s fucking weird...especially the way that sentence just rolled off his tongue like he´s repeated it 3 million times. I totally know the sound...everyone at my work sounds like that when they tell our customers to have a nice day.
I hear him yawning, and he says, "Wait...what was that again?" He sounds more awake, though.
Bingo. I repeat my question again. Now I can have some fun.
He says, "Take what up my arse? Huh?" Oh yeah...incoming freakout...wait, I hear a bit of rustling and he´s *giggling*. What the fuck?
Oh, that´s better. I hear a small whimper from the guy... heh, guess I got under his skin. Cool, now to turn up the heat.
I´m about to ask him if he likes it hard when I hear him make this *noise*. Oh my God, what is that? It sounds like he´s in pain...Shit! That was a moan. Guess he´s not sleeping by himself.
Urgh. I don´t want to hear that...but on the other hand, maybe his girlfriend will be really noisy. Mmmm, free porn show.
"You´re so naughty...oh, God!" he laughs in a breathy voice before he chokes out that last exclamation. I hear wet, sucking sounds accompanied by his enthusiastic gasps. Damnit, I want to hear the chick being banged! I´m not interested in hearing him get blown.
There´s a loud slurp and then he cries out, "Fuck!" His voice sounds strangled, almost as if every muscle in his body was tensing.
My fist almost crunches the receiver in half. I *so* do not want to hear this...oh good, the slurping has stopped and he´s whining. Maybe now some good hardcore action will start.
I hear rustling, and the squish of lube from a bottle. Oh yeah...time for the fucking... I´m disappointed when I don´t hear his girlfriend begging him to do her. Instead, I hear another loud groan from him. "Oh yeah...do it," he whispers.
Oh God...does that mean he wants his girlfriend to fuck him with a strap on? I really don´t want to hear that. Can´t think of anything worse to listen to...
I almost drop the phone when he lets out a moan that sounded like it came out of a ten dollar whore´s mouth. Shit, I cannot *believe* that I heard that. I should really hang up...but I feel like a deer caught in the headlights.
I´m paralyzed as he hisses, "Oh yeah...right there. God, you´re so big."
Wait, "you´re" big? Does that mean...
And then another noise grabs my attention...a hollow, slapping sound... one that sounds incredibly familiar. There it goes again...smacksmacksmack...like loose skin whapping on a firm surface.
Oh dear God...no...
I want to dunk the phone in bleach, but I just can´t seem to let go as the loud slapping continues, in sync with a repetitive creaking. The guy is having the time of his life, wailing out a loud string of obscenities.
"FUCK YES! Ohgodohgod...Yes! More! Harder!" he cries out, accompanied by some very deep grunts from another g...no, kill that. Don´t go there...I am not listening to this, I am not listening to this...Repeat the mantra, maybe it´ll come true.
His breath starts to hitch, and he´s letting out little mewls.
"So close...oh God..." he moans. I hear a very distinct growl over the phone, and the wet sound of flesh gliding across flesh. "Yes...ohmyGod...YES!"
Fuck! No more! I slam the phone down just as he screams loud enough to wake the dead. Hands sweating, I scurry back to my living room, turning on the TV to full blast. I need to scrub the sounds out of my mind, and flush the images that are flitting through my brain. I am *so* not interested in two guys getting it on, no way, no how. Nope Nope Nope.
****
Viggo smiled as he collapsed on top of Orlando in a sweaty heap. Pressing a light kiss between Orli´s glistening shoulder blades, he gently put the phone back into its cradle.
They lay there together, luxuriating in the afterglow. Eventually, Orli stirred beneath Viggo and purred, "You´re a very naughty old man."
Viggo´s lips turned up in a wicked smile. He had really loved giving the creep a taste of his own medicine. "The fucker deserved it."
He rolled off Orli and pulled him close. "Come on, let´s go back to sleep. You have an early call."
Orli nuzzled Viggo´s shoulder. "Mmm, not tired right now. Once I wake up, I stay up." He pressed his renewed erection against Viggo´s hip. "But I am very randy, and in an incredibly vindictive mood."
"Hmm, how?"
Orli grinned. "One word, old man. *69."
THE END