Author: Lostiawen

E-mail: Lostiawen

Rated: NC-17

Pairing: SB/OB (sorta)

Summary: Plunging into the past. 

Archive: Mirrormere, VOLA, my site.  All others please ask.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Warnings: Crack!lite, AU. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened.  The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. 

Author´s Notes: Sorry this chapter took so long to get out.  I'm trying to fit it as best I can into my busy writing schedule. 

Sean avoided slapping his palm against his forehead when he heard Johnny´s statement. Part of it was because he didn´t want to look thick, but it was also because his forcefield crackled and shot off fat sparks if he touched himself while it was on. 

He was feeling quite put off now, and he snarled out, "You stupid mages and your explanations about fuck all. What is going on, in plain English?" 

Johnny rolled his eyes and let out a long suffering sigh. He gestured, and a series of colored globes appeared in the air in front of him. They were lined up in a neat row, and each of them had a different colour of the rainbow. 

"Let´s start at the end here, with the violet one," Johnny said. "Pretend that this is your soul right now." 

"All right," Sean said. 

"Say this indigo one," he said, pointing to the bluish globe that preceded the purple sphere, "is one of your previous incarnations. And this green one, and so on and so forth, until you reach the first time your soul was created. Here." 

He touched the red sphere at the beginning of the line, and then he waved his hands over the entire series. A shimmering thread ran through the globes, joining them. 

"Your incarnations´ souls share a connection between each other. This connection transcends time and links your present self to all your previous ones. With the right spell and technology, you can send a soul back along this link." 

"Can you go forward?"  Eric asked. 

"No, only backward. Can´t go forward. Rules." 

Sean wondered if Johnny was having them on again. "Whose rules?" 

Johnny shrugged and said, "The Giant Sphaghetti Monster for all I know. Listen, you idiot, I don´t know who makes the rules. I just know what they are." 

"So what happens when you send a soul back in time?"  Karl asked. "Does the previous soul get eliminated?" 

"Oh no, completely harmless. You just possess the body and the soul that´s resident just goes into suspension." 

Sean noticed Eric´s brow furrowing, and he realized his concern -- Orlando was helpless without his magic. "Do our powers transfer?"  Eric said. 

"Depends. If you´re a mage, you bring the knowledge back with you, but you might have a few problems casting at first, because each incarnation´s body is tuned to using a certain type of magic." 

"Damnit," Eric burst out. "How hard would it be? For all I know, Orlando got plopped into the middle of a bloody war and he got stabbed while he was trying to suss out how his magic works." 

"Whoa, don´t get your codpiece in a twist," Johnny replied. "I´m sure he´s fine -- sometimes the difference between one incarnation´s magic and the other is like a Windows user transferring to a Mac. A little bit of weirdness, but you can pick it up if you play around a bit." 

Eric didn´t seem satisfied with that explanation. "I hear a ´but´. What is it?" 

"Well..." Johnny put a cigarette between his lips and lit it. He blew out a long plume of smoke before he said, "Sometimes it´ll be like sitting down on a computer running Unix when you´re a pure Windows person." 

"Oh fuck, if that happened to Orlando, he´ll be a pancake in two seconds flat," Karl said. 

The veins stood out in Eric´s forehead and he let out a shout of frustration. His muscles tensed and he dug his fingers into the flooring, ripping out a chunk the size of a small Volkswagen. 

"You´ll pay for that!"  Eric snarled. 

Sean was surprised at Eric´s reaction -- he thought the two of them were just casually shagging, but it looked like it was more than that. 

Johnny flicked his wrist and the air next to Orlando´s throat shimmered. It formed into a ceremonial dagger in the blink of an eye, with the blade pressed right up against the unconscious mage´s flesh. 

"Ah ah ah. You do that, and you can say goodbye to Orli."  Johnny waggled his finger at Eric. 

"Uh, Orly´s over there, mate," Sean said, pointing to the clone. 

Orly rolled his eyes. "He said ´Orli´, not ´Orly´."

"There´s a difference?"  Sean replied. It sounded the same to him. 

"Did you miss the demonic accent at the end?" 

"What demonic accent?"  Sean asked. 

"It´s as clear as day, you thick bastard!"  Orly spat back. 

"And I don´t want to hear another word out of you."  Sean let a bit of venom creep into voice. He was sick of taking shite from his teammates, especially from a cheap imitation of Orlando. His lightning crackled around his body, and he intended to give Orly a good strong zap. 

"Sean..." Eric growled, and he turned to face Sean, looming over him with his impromptu club. 

"Hel-lo!"  Johnny shouted out. "Knife, threatening your teammate with imminent death? Bad?" 

The tension between Eric and Sean evaporated away about as fast as a minor supervillain´s posturing. 

"Oh. Right," Sean said. He felt embarrassed that he had lost his temper so easily. Maybe the constant stroppiness between Orlando and Eric was getting to him. "Sorry about that. Eric, put that thing down now." 

"Fine," Eric grumbled, tossing the chunk of floor aside. 

"That´s better."  Johnny took another drag on his cigarette and then twisted it in his fingers. A crimson tendril of energy snaked out from his hand and extinguished the flame. He made a sweeping gesture and three more slabs appeared. "Now, if Eric, Sean, and Karl will get comfortable, I can send you back." 

Karl said, "Why isn´t Orly coming with us?" 

"Because that would cock things up on a huge scale," Orly replied. "I have the same soul as Orlando -- I don´t even want to think about what would happen if I was popped back." 

Sean wasn´t sure about this, but Orly clapped him on the shoulder. "Don´t worry, I´ll make sure that Johnny doesn´t molest you while you´re unconscious." 

Sean sputtered out loud, but then he noticed the mischievous grin on Orly´s face. "Oi, I´m going to have your guts for garters for that one." 

"Shut it and lie down, you cunt," Orly replied. "I´ll keep an eye on things." 

The three of them stretched out on the slabs and Johnny summoned an unusual device. He fiddled with it, and then flicked a switch. "This might feel a little weird at first." 

Tendrils snaked out, and pierced their heads. Sean felt an extremely odd sucking sensation, and then the lab completely fell away and he was tumbling through space at high speed. Fragments of images cascaded past him, too fast for him to pick up. 

There was a series of disorienting spins, and he was suddenly inside another body. Water enclosed him up to his neck, and craning his head around, he could see that he was in the grasp of some sort of water creature. 

"This will be a doddle," Sean thought. All he needed to do was to turn on his force field and he could blast his way out. However, when he tried to activate it, a small amount of flame leaped to his fingertips and was quickly extinguished. 

"What in hell?"  Sean said in confusion. Where had his electricity powers gone? 

While he was mulling this over, thoughts suddenly cascaded into his head. He was in the body of a hero named Beornhelm. He had been granted flame powers by the gods, but he couldn´t fight his way out of this water creature. He was part of a team, with the twin mages Oswyn and Osric; plus Hjalmar, a tall mage who was Viggo´s spitting image, from the far North. 

They had fighting the threat raised by the Pharaoh Thutmose II. He was a powerful mage, and he had raised a vast army bent on conquering the world. 

They were fighting a pitched battle against Thutmose when the water elementals that Osric had summoned suddenly turned against the team. Hjalmar tried his best to fend them off, but he and Oswyn had gotten knocked out. 

Beornhelm tried his best to fight the creature, but he was outmatched. When it seized him, Osric commanded the creature to kill Beornhelm as slowly as possible. 

The betrayal stung Beornhelm to the core, but he couldn´t dwell on it while his life was in danger. The water elemental extinguished every flame Beornhelm could manage, and because of its mystical nature, he couldn´t boil the water away. 

Beornhelm was convinced that it was hopeless. Sean was about ready to agree when he noticed that he was shivering. Much colder than he should be. 

"That´s it."  Concentrating hard, Sean tried to draw the surrounding heat away, draining it into his body. Flames began to leap around his form and the water creature slowly began to harden and turn into ice. 

When he felt the feeling return to his extremities, he glowed brightly and then sent his flame outwards as hard as he could manage, exploding the creature into glittering fragments. 

He flew out of the pit, letting Beornhelm´s memories guide him. While Beorn- helm was fighting for his life, he still took time to note where Osric had carted off Hjalmar and Oswyn. Although Sean still had a problem -- which one of the twins did Orlando´s soul pop into? 

Soon enough, he was gliding over Thutmose´s encampment, gazing down at the rows upon rows of tents. Oswyn and Hjalmar could be in any one of them. 

"Damnit," Sean said. 

He tried to dig into Beornhelm´s memories for help. A flash of something gave Sean all the guidance he needed. He homed in on the smallest, innocuous tent he could find, and dove down at terminal velocity, firing off a blast of flame. 

The side of the tent blew open, and he made a desulutory noise when he saw what he assumed to be Oswyn chained to a bed, completely starkers, with Osric standing above him. 

Osric froze, but Oswyn called out Sean´s name. As soon as their eyes met, Sean knew which twin to rescue. He pushed the fact that Osric was dropping trou to the back of his head -- the important thing was to get Orlando and Hjalmar to safety. 

He threw a series of fireballs. One exploded just in front of Osric´s face, temporarily blinding him. The other two hit the chains, freeing his comrades. While Osric was screeching indignantly, Sean scooped up Orlando and Hjalmar in his arms and flew out of there as fast as he could manage. 

When he was a safe distance away; Sean landed and deposited Hjalmar and Orlando on the ground before he turned off the flame surrounding his body. He regretted doing this two seconds later, because he was almost smothered by Orlando latching onto him and bear-hugging him. 

"Holy fuck, I never thought I´d be glad to see you, you ugly bastard! You just saved me from a fate worse than death!"  Orlando said while he bounced up and down like an overeager puppy. 

At Orlando´s words, Sean blinked. "You mean...Osric was going to shag you?" 

"Can you believe it? I can´t believe what a sick cu...oi, I guess you figured out which dimension I got popped into? And how come you´re on fire. I mean, I never sussed you out for a flamer, mate..."

Sean was about to drop Orlando on his head when he heard Hjalmar chanting something. His hands wove through the air and a soft blue glow encased all of them. 

"That´s better," Hjalmar said. "Now can someone explain to me why you two can´t speak English?" 

"I was speaking English, you cunt," Orlando said with a pout. "And if I could work out why I can´t cast for shite, I´d be able to identify which dimension we´re stuck on. I don´t think I´ve ever popped in here -- I don´t recognize what language you were going on about in." 

Sean coughed. "I hate to tell you this, mate, but that was old English he was chatting you up with." 

"What???"  Orlando said. Hjalmar seemed equally puzzled. 

"Sit down and let me talk," Sean said. Orlando grumbled a bit, but a nasty glare from Sean froze any further arguments. Hjalmar, however, seemed content to listen. 

Sean explained everything that had happened, although he had to verbally slap Orlando down multiple times for interrupting. When he was finally done, Orlando said, "That fucking wanker! I´m going to fucking grab that staff and shove it up his bloody arse!" 

"Orly said the same thing," Sean replied. 

"And how is Oswyn´s soul going to get restored?"  Hjalmar asked. There was more than a bit of concern in his voice. "Didn´t you ask Johnny?" 

"Shite. I didn´t have a chance," Sean replied. "Between his long-winded explanation, and Eric getting his knickers in a twist, there wasn´t too much time for twenty questions." 

Hjalmar rolled his eyes. "Some things never change in the future, I see." 

Orlando said, "I´ll take my chances. I want out of here. Do you remember exactly how long the pieces to this staff thingie were?" 

Sean replied, "I only saw it remotely, but it looked like you had five pieces in different lengths. I tell you, the colour they had before William scattered them looked like something Festule spat up." 

A deep furrow appeared between Orlando´s eyebrows and he said, "Was it a bit of an odd puce with some chartreuse plaid flickering back and forth?" 

"Nah, it was more of a greenish colour." 

Orlando threw his hands up in the air. "Chartreuse *is* greenish, you thick bastard!" 

"You expect me to know that shite?"  Sean said. Orlando shot him the "you´re a complete fucking tosser" glare, which caused to Sean activate his flame. He hated it when Orlando gave him that look. 

Hjalmar´s calm voice interrupted the impending row. "Did you happen to see that pattern recently, Orlando?" 

Sean was surprised to see Orlando´s gaze drop down, as if he was really fascinated by the consistency of the sand underneath his feet. "Uh...yeah...um..."

"What?"  Sean asked. 

"On Osric," Orlando said. 

"Well, then. It sounds like our problems are solved," Sean said. "Is the piece in his trousers?" 

"No, it changed shape...into a..." Orlando´s voice dropped off into a low mutter. 

"Into what? Damnit, Orli, answer me or I´ll fry that wee arse of yours!" 

"A curved barbell in his Prince Albert, you cunt!"  Orlando shouted back. 

Sean couldn´t think of a snappy comeback for the life of him. 

***

"Tell me again how I let myself be talked into this?"  Sean grumbled as he peeked over the sand dune. 

"Not again," Orlando replied. "Look...that tosser Osric somehow got a boost. He´s wielding more power than me and Hjalmar put together - you got lucky when you rescued us. But that means we need to be extra-sneaky this time." 

"I still don´t see why you two can´t do it." 

Hjalmar shook his head. "He´s ringed his entire camp with wards. If either Orlando or myself get even within a hair´s breadth of them, we´ll set the alarms off. We need someone without our magical auras or under the influence of one of our spells to go in." 

"That I´m fine with. What I don´t fancy is getting changed into an animal." 

Sean still thought it was a hair-brained plan. The two mages didn´t think that a simple disguise would be enough, since neither of them was an expert in that area. Besides, Osric would be watching for any unusual people to appear. 

However, he did have a soft spot for four-footed things. So, the plan was made to change Sean into a sand cat. All they needed was a shape-changing potion. Fortunately, Orlando was able to probe Oswyn´s memory for the location of a cache of magical artefacts, left by a villain that he had dispatched ages ago. 

As they peered over the shifting sands, Sean grumbled, "How do I know that I won´t start chasing mice right after I change?" 

"Oi, I told you that the only thing that will switch is your shape. You´ll still have Beornhelm´s toughness and powers," Orlando said. "And that reminds me...what´s so bad about drinking the potion?" 

"Your magic is dodgy. I don´t want to wind up exploding like that rock you were trying to levitate earlier." 

Orlando huffed. "And I told you that it was a one-time thing. I´ve figured out how to cast my spells now. See?" 

Orlando gestured at a point eight meters away from them. The sand liquefied, then burbled angrily before it exploded upward in a wet geyser, spraying mushy, goopy chunks in their direction. 

"Shite!"  Orlando exclaimed as one messy blob headed straight for his face. Hjalmar mumbled something quickly and a mystic shield snapped over them. 

The mud splattered with a nasty thwap against the globe, and then slid down. The smell of rotten eggs assaulted Sean´s nose and he glared at Orli. "If you think I´m going to put anything magical inside of me after that demonstration, you´re utterly nutters." 

"As if anyone is going to stick anything inside your straight arse. You´re so uptight that I could jam a piece of coal up your bum and you´d turn it into a diamond." 

Flame appeared around Sean´s hands and he was about to fire when Hjalmar stepped between them. "Calm down, both of you. Sean, the potion was formulated by another mage...you´ll be fine." 

"Oh," Sean replied. 

"It looks like some things never change in the future," Hjalmar said. 

"What´s that supposed to mean?"  Orlando said. 

"You two...always bickering." 

Sean replied, "Poor Beornhelm. If that sod has to put up with the amount of shite I do...figures that Oswyn keeps needling him." 

Hjalmar rubbed his hand along the back of his head. "Actually, Beornhelm always starts it. He´s never quite forgiven Oswyn for dumping him." 

Sean felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him and he just gawped like a fish. His brain was stunned by this new revelation, and he was having trouble processing it. 

Orlando, however, was whooping and doing a happy dance. "I sodding *knew* it! There´s hope yet!" 

Hjalmar replied, "Orlando...quiet down, please. Sean´s having a hard time with this." 

"No fucking way! After all the shite he gave me for shagging Eric? I´m going to enjoy...mmmph."  Orlando´s needling was cut short because Hjalmar muffled any arguments by leaning over and snogging him. 

Sean turned his head, but not before he saw Orlando pressing his body fully against Hjalmar. After about a minute he heard them breaking apart, and he decided to take advantage of the disorientation he was sure that Orlando was feeling. 

"Hjalmar, we need to get to business. Can you re-cast Orlando´s spell?" 

"Easily," Hjalmar gestured, and a glowing spiral formed in the sand. The whorls expanded out, pulling outward until a large hole, bordered by shimmering energy was left. 

"I could have done that," Orlando pouted. 

Hjalmar made a shushing gesture at Sean and patted Orlando´s back. "I wouldn´t worry about it -- that was an inconsequential spell. It´s more important that you distract the guardian inside." 

"Guardian?"  Sean asked. 

"Any magician with half a brain usually has something protecting their stuff. Either spells or some big, nasty wanker," Orlando replied. 

They took a moment to turn on their defenses, and then Orlando gestured at the portal. "Okay... we go in on three. One, two, three!" 

Sean scooped up Orlando and dove in, followed closely by Hjalmar. There was a moment of pitch blackness, followed by a wrenching sensation. Slimy red flesh suddenly filled Sean´s vision as far as he could see, and he glanced up. 

They were in a vast cave, and what looked like a skyscraper-sized gigantic red anemone loomed over them. A thick, rubbery tendril whipped down and Sean flew to the side, barely avoiding a second one that was reaching for him. The flailing appendage thudded into the stone wall, leaving a smoking hole. 

"Fuck me! There´s acid on those buggers," Orlando shouted out. "I recognize that species -- it´s tough as shite, both of you are rubbish against it." 

Sean flipped backwards and did a bootlegger reverse as he dodged another several tendrils. The thing knew how to co-ordinate its multiple limbs to fake out and snag a flying opponent. It was difficult for someone of even Sean´s caliber to avoid them all. "Something´s got to work! I´ve never heard of a villain that didn´t have a weakness!" 

"It does...but I´ll have to cast a spell," Orlando said as they ducked another tendril. "And it´s one that Hjalmar can´t do for me." 

Sean didn´t like the idea, but it was the only shot they had. He shouted out to Hjalmar to distract the guardian while he tried to keep Orlando safe from harm. 

As Sean barrel-rolled between the lashing tentacles, he saw Orlando desperately trying to get his spell to work. A small globe of energy formed between his hands, but then it blazed out of control and shot out a beam, causing a chunk of the cave to explode and fly right towards them. 

"Bugger!"  Sean yelled before he swerved out of the way, right into the grasp of a set of tentacles. They tightened immediately around him, and the smell of vaporizing acid filled the air. "Orlando, do something!" 

Orlando went pale and then his hands danced through the air. A second set of tentacles was rushing towards them, the tips opening to reveal teeth as large as stalactites. 

Before Sean could aim a blast, something large and yellow appeared in Orlando´s hands and he threw it down one of the gaping maws. The creature bellowed in pain and then toppled over, taking Orlando and Sean with him. 

Sean blasted forward, wrenching them both out of the guardian´s grasp before it crashed into the wall of the cave, causing the entire area to quake as it fell. "That was too close." 

"No shite," Orlando said. "I´m just glad I was able to remember all of the ingredients." 

"Ingredients?"  Hjalmar asked. 

"Yeah...I heard of that species while I was dimension-hopping. Fucking tough as nails, and popular to use as guardians. They fell out of vogue because they´re severely allergic to one of the most disgusting modern foods ever." 

"Which one?"  Sean said. 

"Twinkies."  Orlando gestured towards a glittering cache just beyond the guardian´s unconscious body. "Now let´s get you that potion." 

***

Sean trotted over the sands, gazing intently at Osric´s tent in the distance. It was pretty odd being a cat at first, but he adjusted quickly to the sharper scents and the enhanced vision. 

He had no trouble getting past the guards patrolling around, but Sean knew from experience that the villains never hired quality for grunts, especially ones that could only throw spears or shoot arrows. 

Hjalmar and Orlando had reassured Sean with a long-winded explanation as to why Osric´s wards wouldn´t detect that he was under the influence of a magic potion. It wasn´t something Sean had followed at all, but for all of his sniping at Orlando, the boy knew what he was talking about. He just hoped that Osric wasn´t one step ahead of them. 

He was within a stone´s throw of Osric´s tent when the mage emerged and shot Sean a brilliant smile. He pitched his voice higher and spoke what sounded like babytalk in old English. 

Sean tilted his head and hoped that the lack of translation spell wouldn´t screw him over. He shied away a little at first when Osric extended his hand, but after he heard a few more coos, he tried to sniff tentatively at Osric´s fingers in what he hoped was a catlike fashion. 

A faint, spicy musk scent tickled his nostrils, and a fragment of memory suddenly slammed into the forefront of Sean´s mind. Although it was Beornhelm´s, Sean experienced it as if he was there first hand. 

He was lolling with Hjalmar and the twins around a campfire, drinking some very excellent mead after another long day. 

Sean blinked when his thoughts returned to the present. He now knew why Osric had betrayed the group, and more importantly, how he could fix this situation. 

---
end part 5